The Single Girl's Most Critical Accessory

No, it isn't the chestnut brown Mac lipgloss, the Gucci fanny pack or Beyonce's freakum dress (although these ought to be definite accessories in your closet). You know a single girl has to always put her best face forward and have those secret weapon pieces in her wardrobe that if circumstances call for it, she can whip it out. My latest secret weapon are my new 5 inch black suede thigh-high boots. Yes 5 inches! They are fierce and I am a tall diva in them. I broke them in last weekend and they worked a number.

I digressed a little :) BUT I realized that for a long time, I have been missing the one crucial accessory that every single woman must have... The Boy BFF.

Lately, after my girl told me she has two Boy BFFs (greedy), I realized that I haven't had one in some time. My first Boy BFF was in high school. Back then, there weren't called "Boy BFFs", he was just a label-less item, but nevertheless, he was THE necessary accessory during that time. High school, especially amongst girls, can be a brutal time so he was definitely my sounding board. We used to hang out, talk about relationships, give each other advice and contrary to popular high school belief and rumor, there was not an ounce of chemistry between us. He was just that cool friend.

The Boy BFF is critical for a single girl because we need that male, no-nonsense, the non-"woo woo woo", prescence to bring the yin to our girls' yang. As my girl attempted to plan ice-skating as the first date with her latest new guy, her Boy BFF tersely responded, "And what heterosexual male did you consult with that approved ice skating?" Um, needless to say, my girl's first date will be the Hawks game... :) The Boy BFF will let you know when to love 'em or leave 'em alone. He can give that male perspective on dating, how to approach a matter or let you know when you've been "had". As a male friend of mine put it, "I can spot THAT dude because I AM THAT dude". LOL!

Now as important as my girls are, they only offer a one-sided perspective on dating and relationships and honestly, they are just as clueless as I am. It is like we are playing on a team with no offensive coordinator who has the play-calling expertise for each down--- You gotta know the other team's moves. And your girls, bless their hearts, can analyze a situation down to its atomical particles. We can talk (and I have done this) for 2 hours on a 30 second voicemail from a man that says, "Hey... Just wanted to see what's going on, hadn't talk to you in a while. Hope all is well." ---You'd be amazed at the dissertation we could create on this. Your girls mean well, but they have the potential to lead you to thinking and doing some hilarious things, co-sign on it and then later say, "that may not have been the wisest move". The Boy BFF will not even go there with you because frankly, they don't have the patience and to them, it's an exercise in futility. It is not hard facts, a problem to be solved and men like to solve something and be done. Cut throat but a good trait.

BUT! Boy BFFs have their limits too. Boy BFFs don't have intuition or at least don't know how to use it. Your girls will have that "gut feeling", when there aren't any hard and fast facts on a guy's behavior or you feel and know that something in the universe has shifted... My girl and I spotted a man's interest in her before he even knew he had it! Boy BFFs aren't equipped for this. And Boy BFFs can NEVER tell you or sense when a chic is doing some 'ol underhanded s***. You and your girls can sniff out that chic's agenda before she enters a room and utters a word, but your Boy BFF will say something foolish like, "She's seems like a cool girl"... Whatever, I got her playbook on the shelf at home.

So my quest began for a Boy BFF and after vetting 3 guys, I found him. I told him that he would be my hard-nose go-to guy for advice when I need it, but I reassured him that he will not, shan't not advise me on the latest haircut choice or this winter's fashion trend as those opinions are for my Gay Boy BFF, next season's accessory item. :) You might think I am slightly nuts but I think I am on to something because another girlfriend is thinking about getting a Boy BFF too. I told her it's the hottest item out, we can't be our fly-est without one; the women will want to know our secret and the men will be on us to their own surprise....

The Boy BFF... as critical as my 5-inch black suede thigh-high boots. If you don't already have 'em, it's a definitely must get! ---SP

Pump my gas and you can have whatever you like... It's that simple (Ode to KT)

So my close girls and I were talking about some of our past suitors and what we remembered most about them. I am not sure how we got on this conversation but anyway, what was so funny about this conversation was we were all mentioning similar moments that hit the same chord for us... It was when a man does those "little things".

We were agreeing with the "Yes girl", and the "Ooo, I like that" and "Girl, I almost fell in love with him that day". It was quite amusing. But we all agreed that when he did those "little things" what we liked most was he did them without being asked......hinted, conjoled, prodded, suggested, or even hoodwinked.

Now I nor my girls think a man ought to be a mind reader... We know a man's limits. ;) But there are these "little things" that really mount to be "big things". And when a man does these "little things" or anything without a woman saying anything, to her it is saying, without saying, that you are taking notice of her.... And when a woman feels noticed, well.... I know few women who won't have a satisfying favor in return. :)

But in my mind this idea also begs the question of whether or not a man really would think these things are important? Well frankly it doesn't matter if he thinks it is important or not, he should just obliged. Why? All I know is that doing any of these "little things" or whatever floats her boat will definitely get a man quickly to MVP status. And if you get to MVP status, well a man can probably get whatever he likes and whatever he likes is... that thing he likes. And isn't that what a man wants? -) So what are these "little things"? Well...
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1. Pump My Gas
Now I must admit that this one I have a thing for and one time had a "Battle of the Sexes" where most thought I was little forward with this one. But seriously, I just can't stand to see a dude chillin' in the passenger seat while his girl is pumping gas... Ugh! It may be a rare occassion that this will happen, but if I am driving, I think it is something nice when I pull up to the pump and the man immediately jumps out and heads to my tank. Now, I ain't saying he has to pull out his debit card in order to get the kudos; he just needs to be the one to take notice and handle it. And to me this is a simple one, because this "little thing" is laid out for him... Me, Him, My car, Low on gas, The gas station. Simple, right?

2. Take Out The Trash
I think this takes a man to really be perceptive of his surroundings... Now I'm not saying he should be going to every room and assessing the level of trash in each of my recepticles, but let's say if he is putting something in the kitchen trash can and he sees that it is full, or he notices that it is trash day in the neighborhood and the can needs to be rolled out, it would be a lovely gesture to just take care of it. A simple, but an-affirmative-I-will-handle-it question: "Looks like your trash needs to go to the curb. Where is the can?" Bam! She is loving on him.

3. Wash the Car
Now, I must say that washing a women's car will even bring the most virtuous woman to change her ways. This is probably the biggest of the "littlest things". I mean, if a man does this, at least for one of my girls, he might even get her to do "that thing" he likes. LOL. My girl called me one Saturday afternoon whispering in the phone, "SP, I am peeking out through his blinds and I saw that he finished washing his car but then... Girl! He started putting suds on my car!" Then she said, "What should I do? I feel like I need to be doing something for him". I simply said "Gurrl, get to cooking, chill a beer, start a bath, practice that new trick you been thinkng about". Needless to say, she got to cooking, chilling, and practicing. He didn't even know what was about to hit him, but I think he was a very happy man.

4. The Grocery-Bag-Bring-In
This almost falls in line with the pump my gas so I won't go in a lot detail. It is really simple. My girl talked about how important this was to her because growing up she and her mom would do the shopping but her mother NEVER lifted a finger once she got home. She didn't have to say anything to her father except "I'm home". She and her mom would come in, sip tea, and watch her father and brother directly bring 'dem groceries in the house. After they were done, my girl and her mother organize the kitchen. Needless to say, it will always be a favorable move to bring my girl's groceries in... It's in her DNA.

5. The Airport Pick-Up
Everyone knows that feeling when you leave out of town and especially that kind of lonely feeling you get when you return. I don't know why, but there is something about coming home and no one is there to greet you. BUT! when you have someone there waiting for you... yes, that's a good day. One of my girls knows this all to well because she travels quite a bit and recently she was offered a pick-up from the airport from a new suitor in her life. She felt that this gesture was definitely a step in the right direction. As for me, well I must say I reminisced about an airport pick up not to long ago and I definitely felt kind of gitty and excited... And I think he liked what he got. :)

6. Seasonal Bonus: Trim the Tree
Since it is the holidays, I think this one is a definite plus and will get the hot chocolate a bubblin'. Unfortunately I personally don't have a tree this year but if I did and the man I dated knew I had one, if he asked me if I wanted help getting it up and trimming the tree, I would definitely feel quite noticed. Now, I must say that trimming a tree may feel too "coupley" or feel too much like a proposal is near... I even told my girl to be careful trimming with a man she has only gone on 2 dates with. Don't want to overstep our steps, but it definitely is a good move to get that tree out the attic. If so, he is probably in line for that mistletoe treat.

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What really struck me most about my girlfriend chat was that when one notices the small things in a relationship, both parties win. And even in marrages, this seems to ring true. Sometimes I think men don't really know what satisfies a woman or think that satisfaction only happens in the late night. But late night satisfaction really is directly related to day time satisfaction. Unfortunately, us ladies forget to voice this and our appreciation. So it bears repeating.

Here is SP's and her girls' voices: Pump our gas, do the airport pickup, and dear lawd, if you wash our cars? You will definitely be on your way to havin' whatever you like.. It's really that simple. ... SP

Got The Holiday Ho Hums?... Anyone?... Anyone?

So tomorrow marks the official beginning of the holiday season and I already got the Holiday Ho Hums. It didnt really hit me until this week when people started to ask me what I was doing for Thanksgiving and I responded in a very non-enthused tone... "I'm going home".

Why am I not enthused? Well for one, I have done T-Day and Christmas at home every year of my life --- that's 25 years of the same thing! (lol). And as a friend summed it up so pointedly: "Since my sister and I have been adults and she has inherited in-laws, T-Day dinner has been reduced to just my mom, dad, Great-Aunt Bessie, and me sitting across from some random man my parents invited who I think likes to "make eyes" with me. And last year we didn't even eat off the good plates at the dining room table".... Ho Hum, Ho Hum.

And Christmas isn't much different. Unless you have children (which I don't have) or young nieces and nephews that you can visit on Christmas morning, the Christmas thrill left you at age 19 when your parents' gift was a receipt for your spring semester college tuition payment.... Ho Hum, Ho Hum.

So what am I going to do about my 2008 Holiday Ho Hums? Nothing. At least not this year, but I have already decided and planned to do something different next year and I won't pack any guilt feelings... I think at my old age of 28 (I did say 28, right?), I am realizing that my life has taken a different turn and although my family is an important part of my life, my life also includes other interests, other people, and other things, as it has for some of my family members; My brother is married with a 3 year old and my dad has a new lady friend that occupies his time. And this is okay that my brother's life is in another chapter and my dad's life has started anew. So now it's my turn to start the next chapter of my life... Jamaica 2009 holiday.... Anyone?... Anyone? -)

Until then, I will go home this year and be thankful for the family I have...because I am. I am thankful for the endless memories, the love, the laughter, and the great soul-food my grandmother has prepared for us year after year that always filled my belly and my spirit... Through it all, my family has loved me and supported me in everything that I have done; No Ho Hums about that... instead I am forever grateful... SP

The Simpliest Love Song, But Why Is It So Hard To Do?

A couple weeks ago while I was in Tampa, I was getting ready go to work, I was listening to my Ipod and Bob Marley's song Is this Love started to play. As I was listening, I was dancing around my hotel room, being silly with a towel wrapped around my head pretending to have locks, just taking in Bob's music. (yeah, I know but everyone has silly alone time behaviors, right?)

Well, a week later after my silly time with Bob, I was still catching myself humming the tune. I started to think...His words were so simple... His declaration of love was to the point yet poignant... no pretenses; He has only the promise to just love. But I couldn't help to also think that if love is this simple, why is it so hard for lovers to do? Why is it so hard for so many people to find this kind of love? Why is it so hard to keep once you find it?

I know, I know... At least to me I sound a little naive and simple and even as I write this, I think it is a silly subject to devote a blog entry to. But it just amazes me how so many things can avert love. I even think about the love I witnessed as a child in my family and my friends' families. I would think to myself, at some point these people walked down the aisle and have uttered the same words. I would look in wedding albums where the couples seemed so happy. Or I would overhear grown-up conversations about a time that seemed filled with happiness and adventure. So where is it now? What happened? What got in the way? Money, pride, lustfulness, raising kids, fear, or just moving in different directions?

I have to some degree been skiddish about love because frankly, I didn't have a lot of examples in my young life where love lasted. And as an adult, when I hang out with my married friends, I am constantly observing and determining where love is in their relationship. How much are they giving up, giving in... Is it always worth it in the end?

And at times, I have some really disheartening conversations with married friends who tell me they have the divorce attorney on speed dial just waiting for their spouse to say the word or better yet, the numerous conversations I have with male friends who tell me their boys felt some kind of way about marrying their girl. Or as one male friend put it, "my boy felt like he was putting a gun to his head and pulling the trigger." Seriously? ... "Does the bride-to-be even know that he feels this way?", I asked. "Nope", he tells me, "but his feelings was more extreme than most. Most of my boys just felt like they were walking the plank".... Whew, that makes me feel better. LOL

I don't know if Bob's kind of love is truly real but nevertheless, I am holding out for it because it's what I want... Simple, with no pretenses. And I have waited this long so might as well wait a little longer. I have found that it is pretty easy to settle for just trying to love the one you're with. I am not so inclined to do that just because it is presented to me. And further more....I am not really trying to be equated to a suicide mission. For real, you can keep that proposal.

But if this love that Bob sings about is real, I think this will be "the song" of my relationship. Now I am so not the romantic type as my close friends know but I am a true believer of crafting the love in your life that is befitting of you. So find that song for you. Or for those who have someone, remember the song that forged the two of you together. And hopefully for me, the one I am with will feel Bob's sonnet to his lady in the same way that I do... Or if I am truly being a nut case about this, he will just understand and just simply be silly and dance along with me... SP

http://www.last.fm/music/Bob%2BMarley%2B%2526%2BThe%2BWailers/_/Is+This+Love
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I wanna love you and treat you right;
I wanna love you every day and every night:
We'll be together with a roof right over our heads;
We'll share the shelter of my single bed;
We'll share the same room, yeah! - for Jah provides the bread.
Is this love - is this love - is this love -Is this love that I'm feelin'?

I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I - I'm willing and able,
So I throw my cards on your table!
See: I wanna love ya,
I wanna love and treat ya -love and treat ya right.
I wanna love you every day and every night.....

The SP Critique: Match.com

A couple of months ago, I decided to act upon a conversation a girlfriend and I have had since the springtime: I would give online dating a try and subscribe to Match.com.

My girl and I both felt our dating lives had become stagnant--- meeting the same guy but just wrapped in a different college, job, and fraternity. We thought Match would be a way to broaden our scope, see who else is out there, and maybe, just maybe, get "lucky".

So... I got expert advice; I made up a cute screen name that was flirty but catchy... (just like me, right?). Another girlfriend of mine, a pro at online dating, revised my info so I didn't sound too geeky (I do think knowing how food is produced in the US is important for everyone to learn) or too academic (I wrote, "I enjoy syndicated tv shows"... My girl said "syndicated" was too big of a word and it made me sound corny).

I broaden my scope. I would date the "young & older", the "black & whiter", the "short & taller", "the rich & ... somewhat richer" :). I wasn't looking for marriage and didn't advertise for that, but I did say I was looking for a mate/companion/someone who just wants to chill with me. It was hard to talk about myself and it was really hard to capture the essence of "SP" in a one-pager :). I thought I had an impressive resume but I quickly found there are a lot of women who had the same (of course I checked out the competition). No worries, right? There is only one "SP" but I tell you I was quite impressed that the women on Match were not afraid to put it out there... "Sexy Kitten for You"; "Your the Joseph to my Mary"... Not really my style, but do you girl, because I know times are hard, time is tight, and it's forecasted to be a cold winter. LOL!

So I finally got my profile up and I was immediately excited because I thought I got my fair share of requests... I ended up meeting up with 3 guys; 2 dates were good and 1 date served as a reminder why I have limits on the men I choose to date. But immediately I learned that this online dating thing wasn't a breeze in the park. I had to quickly try to eliminate the "absolutely nots", respond to email conversations and keep them all straight, decide if I wanted to meet, how we would meet, when we would meet... And then, I quickly learned that pictures only give you a visual "idea" as to what to expect when they walk through the door. What the pictures don't tell you is how they carry themselves, how their prescence is felt in a room, or just simply their choice in fashion, which could include ball-crushing jeans, cowboy boots, a mullet, and a cooji sweater... in September... in Atlanta (that was date #3).

So what is my critique of match.com?
In my short-lived Match.com experience, it felt that my personal life had become a part-time job. It was just more work than I anticipated. I took my profile down after about a month. I will admit that maybe I didn't give it enough time, but I realized during that short run, it just didn't fit me. I think if you don't mind devoting the energy it takes, it could be worth your while. I got 2 good dates out of 3 and I have a few associates that have found "cyber-love" and are getting married. So maybe there are some good odds and the chances are in your favor to find what you want.

As for me, I think I will stay out away from online dating and leave it for the ones that can navigate this new age networking world. I think I am just the ol' school type. I like seeing a guy from across the room, giving him a flirty raised eyebrow as he tries to flirt back. And I like the idea that my "luck" may be the next time I peruse the books at B&N, grab my coffee at Starbucks, or go to that event... I just may meet the one who I am suited for and will become a part of my life in a chill kind of way....SP

Sex and Sports... Something New to Converse About

So today I ate lunch with a male friend who was visiting the A. Our conversation was pretty much no different that any other conversation you may over hear these days... "So what do you think about Barack winning the presidency?" So, this question led into what we were doing and how each of us thought about that moment and what it meant to us, different links we have seen on line, the tears, the excitement, blah blah blah. So we talked about this for at least close to an hour. And then I kind of chuckled after we pretty much exhausted this conversation and we were left with a looming silence at the table. He looked at me and he said, "What's so funny?" I said, "You know for the past 2 years all this country has talked about is politics, Barack, Hillary, then Palin.... Now that the election is over and the jubilation is beginning to wear off, no one has anything to talk about just like us sitting here now".

He laughs at me but he agreed. He looks at me and smiles and asks what else would I like to talk about?

Although I have known him for 2 years, I figured we would talk about one of the other 3 topics that I always hit on when I first meet someone and trying to get to know them... You know, politics, religion, relationships, and sex. In my mind we have exhausted politics, I am definitely tired of talking about the state of relationships, because "Sex and the City" and Black in America reporting dismal statistics for us Black women pretty much beat that to the ground and just made me depressed... And religion is just plain boring right now. So I told him I think sex is the topic of the hour. He smiled at me and said "Yeah, you cant ever go wrong with that"... He said if we talked about sex and add in some sports, then he would be a satisfied man. I laughed and said, "Well let me start... So what about them cowboys?" We both laughed but needless to say, we didn't have another lull in our coversation and we sat at that table sipping on mojitos for another hour, but definitely not talking about them Cowboys. LOL!

What THIS day means to me...

I am almost without words this morning. I am still in awe of the moment that happened last night. Yesterday, I was ansy all day (as some know). I couldn't sit still because I knew this day would be the day of all days in my life.

Last night when Barack Obama's name was announced as president of THIS country, I was in awe. I, in that moment, was alone in my house, because I had decided that I wanted to be very much in the moment, with my feelings and thoughts... And in that moment I felt an emotion that almost can't be described.... And I realized in that moment that my eyes had just witnessed what will probably be the most profound moment of my life. And the great things about it was that it was shared by so many not only this country but around the world.

My first thoughts were of this new first family. When Michelle, with her two daughters, came on stage, I thought about my childhood as a little black girl that grew up in a time where there werent very many images that illustrated what life is REALLY like for me and my family. I thought about my niece, who is three, and how seeing a black man and his family as the FIRST family will be the norm for her. I thought about the power of images... It's one thing to live in a country where you are told "you are equal" or "you are just as qualified" but it's another when you actually SEE the equality reflected back to you on the television screen. Then I thought about the black community-- little black boys who could emulate and imitate someone other than a basketball star and rapper. Little black girls who could see a lovely woman who is strong and successful and powerful in her own right but can equally be the support and back bone of her man. I thought of the powerful image of seeing a united black family and the impact this will have on our community-- that this is a testament of what can happen when families stick together, when a man loves his woman and a woman supports her man. It showed me what can happen when people stick it through in their relationships. I know their relationship and marriage hasnt been easy and there were probably many highs and lows, but it is something so cool to see the power of the black couple.

I felt that Barack's speech was very poignant and somber with a purpose. He charged me and the rest of us to continue this fight because although he is our leader, he cant make these changes alone, like he didnt win this election alone. I hope people REALLY heard this. Change comes from the collection of everyone's hearts, spirits, and hard work.

And finally last night I thought about the "audacity of hope", the audacity to dream, the audacity of faith and what this truly means, particualry in my life. I am a dreamer and I have spent many moments and many nights dreaming about what my life would turn out to be. I have many hopes for my life but during these trying times in our nation, in the black community, in our relationships with one another, some nights I questioned it; some moments, I wasnt completely sure if my hopes would be actualized. I still dont know what is in store for me and my life even now as I am facing some difficult crossroads. But the "audacity" of my hopes for the things I have always dreamed of will keep me moving on and moving ahead and waiting for what just maybe around the next corner. It maybe only be a night away. :)

My Prisoner Pen Pal

So I have prisoner pen pal, BUT I have known here for most of my life. He was my first love way back when I was 13. He was a very sweet boyfriend, probably the best boyfriend I have had to date. Back then, boys use to give flowers and buy gifts. He even baked a cake for me for my 14th birthday! They dont make 'em like they use to.

Anyway, his life has taken a different turn than mine and he has been in and out of jail and prison for most of his adult life. Although our "love" relationship ended well before he started getting into trouble, I still remained a friend to him. He has been writing me on occasion from prison and of course in his letters, he likes to reminisce about when we were together... and I dont mind it because I figure, he has a lot of time on his hands and he is going to write about better times, i.e. when we were in puppy love. Also our letters are pretty candid, discussing love, politics, relationships, current events, etc. But in his last letter to me, he spoke about a woman he has met and his plans to be with her once he is released next year... Of course I had to ask him how HE got a woman while he has been incarcerated but I was glad to hear this too (because I didn't want him to get any ideas about us). Well.... he also broached the subject that I was afraid he would... which was would I (or my girlfriends) consider a "regular"man like himself as a potential mate-- not college educated, someone who has made some mistakes (i.e., been locked up) BUT is a hard worker, has dreams, will treat me well, etc.... You know a regular "Joe the Plummer"...

Well the dilemna for me isn't whether I should consider a man like him... I know the answer to that question, which is an honest "No". And I know my girls would say in unison "Hell No!". But the real question for me is how much to sugar coat my answer when I write him back? I could be very evasive, answer a question with a question, you know pull out all my psychologist tricks or I could say something like "Maybe", but the reality is "Nope, not even a little bit". I never say "never", but I know and most of my girls know their limits. And he is a man that I believe despite his mistakes, tries to be a good man and has the potential to do so... And he will always have a place in my heart because he was the first boy (after my dad of course) that filled it. So with that said, I want to be honest and tell him what the reality as I know it is without being brutally honest. Why kick a dog when he is down, right?