SP is back with her spring time hawk! (The 1st tenant in the single girl covenant)

I know, I know I've been missing for awhile from my latest tangents of being 30 and flirty but it's been for good reasons. As you all know, old man winter hit the A pretty hard these past few months, so I did what any single girl would do... found a winter-beau to boo. :P

Needless to say, the girlfriend outings and conversations took to the background for a spell (some of them found their winter-beaus too) and so "30, Flirty, Thursdays" took a step back these past few weeks... My girls all understood and excercised what all of us single girls have oathed to each other and to ourselves... That is nothing (including my beloved 30 Flirty) comes before the 2nd tenant of the single girl covenant:

"Whereas we are of single status in the 30+ box, of low tolerance for foolery, but have learned that the good ones aren't as plentiful for the choosin'; Wherefore if you got a good one to be with, go forth... us said girlfriends will be here if he stays or goes, but more importantly, we shall be waiting for the details". :)

Now of course this tenant has more language to it that asserts that you can have a beau AND still be you, have girlfriends, and have your own individual interests, blah blah blah. So don't be mistaken to think that we condone dropping your entire life, as there is another tenant that states, "Whereas you have lost your d**n mind and as a result can no longer recongize foolery, us said girlfriends will snatch your a$$ up and address this directly"... I'm sure this isn't the exact language in the single girl covenant but this is how I can best remember it to keep myself straight. LOL.

So with THAT being said, SP is back to writing her 30 Flirty thoughts. And what I've been thinking is that while mother nature is taking her time presenting her springtime beauty and the ends of our lenten sacrifices are near, her tardiness has actually been a small gift in disguise for us single ladies... Why? Because it has given us additional time to get the 1st and ultimate tenant in order:

"Whereas we are of single status of 30+ and time is a tickin'; and whereas we live in the A, the plentiful land of single women; Wherefore, always be of preparation, perfection, and positioning of your hawk".

That's right, it's time for SP and her girl crew to get their 2009 spring time hawk together. And for those who may not know about the "hawk", it simply is a woman's ability to exude confidence and sophistication with personal style in this here dating game... or to be succint and be of the latest urban language trend, it's the female's swagger. So why is it called the hawk? Long story. Another time. LOL

So what is it that we need to prepare, perfect, and position? Well, there are several and too many things to name here as each probably warrants its own blog (Did I just create a 30 flirty spring blog series?). But as I told one of my "Charlotte-type" girlfriends, if you want a "him" when it's time to go "there", the coy-shy "I'm waiting for him to call me" is not what's in this season. On the other hand, neither is the "No! I don't wanna dance with you" bourgie, pissy stance that sometimes is the result of an overzealous, overexerted hawk. :P

So I've been talking to some of my girls and (and need to consult my Boy BFFs soon... you two been taken cover from old man winter too, I see) about the single girls' 1st tenant and revamping the hawk for the 2009 spring season. I've been throwing some theories around and I think it's time to test them out. So stay posted... I'll share my findings and my girls' spring adventures soon as they will be so gracious in trying out some of my theories... So y'all ready?! :) -- SP

The Lost Art of "Conversate-ing"

So...

My girls have expressed to me their opinions about text messaging and dating and they all feel pretty much the same way...

It is the quietus to real conversations with the opposite sex.

Yep, text messaging is the effectual end to communication in vivo. My girls' grievance (and it's a big one) is that men have lost their courtship ability to pick up the phone and actually participate in a thoughtful and meaningful conversation on the telephone line. It becomes annoying after the first two interchanges of text because at this point in my girls' minds it's, "We are both sitting at home... doing nothing... by ourselves... flipping channels... there can't be any better time than this to pick up the phone and have this conversation". And then if she attempts to call (which is rare by the way), he doesn't answer... But oh! What a minute... here's another text message from him five minutes later asking, "What is your favorite color?" LOL!

One of my male friends laughed when I told him about this communication conundrum that happens in the dating world. He tells me, "Well you know why men do this, right? It mitigates rejection, especially early in the dating game". And I say, "Well as long as a man knows that this texting behavior can also el-i-mi-nate that first date".

Why? Well, the problem with text messaging as a form of communication when getting to know someone is that... you really can't get to know them. And it is an apparently weak way of trying to get at a woman. Although text messages can and maybe should have its place in the communication exchange, it still can be a fallible way of conveying a point, a flirt, or a great first meet up because it leaves a lot of room for the recipient to interpret your message. Like, let's say a text that reads, "I would luv 2 see TGA hairdo. Come see me at the mall". Hmm... "TGA" does that mean "That Good A$$"? And if it does, is this his idea of flirting? He seems too comfortable using profanity without verbalizing a word. And he wants me to come to the mall? It sounds like he works there. Is this his idea of a first date? We're not in high school. How old IS he?... See where this can go?

And then I've noticed that text messaging does nothing but magnify grammar skills (and this is a big one for me). For example, because I already have a SERIOUS issue when I hear someone utter the word "conversate", it is almost a deal breaker when I see it in written form. All I do is scream at the phone, "I don't conversate, I converse, I CONVERSE!" Ugh. Another one bites the dust. LOL!

I can certainly understand my girls' points and tend to agree with them. But I have to say that all texting isn't bad. It can be quite useful actually when used in the right context and serves a specific purpose. When I think back on previous suitors, some of my best relationships and brokered deals have happened through text messaging. You know, like the dates who look better to you when they don't open their mouths and therefore, you text plan a movie date night for a blase' Saturday night. Yeah baby, no need to talk, "jst meet me at atl station. movie strts @ 7p. buy me pcorn". LOL.

And finally how can you not enjoy dirty texting? Especially in the middle of the day, while you're sitting in a boring 2-day training and then your phone buzzes with a message from your favorite friend that says, "U wanna drty txt me?" That interchange could go on for hours, get you through that long day, and then you're leaving work ready to do what you dared to text... Texting doesn't sound half bad now does it? Yeah, not sure what I was suppose to learn in training that day, but what I did learn from my textmate... Well, let's just keep that between me and AT&T. :) --SP

You Said "I Do", But Did You Really?

Okay someone explain this to me because I don't quite get it. Lately the question I have been pondering is...

You said "I Do".... but did you really?

I was having a conversation with one of my girls and the issue of facebook profiles came up. I told her that one of things I have noticed is that while there are a lot of things that men will display on their page... greek letter affiliations, current job, pics from new year's, I also noticed things that men are choosing not to put up... Oh, like their marital status. My girl says, "Yeah, it's like they are hype about the trip to Miami with the boys or homecoming hangin' out with frat, but there is nothing on their page to indicate that just last week they got married".

Isn't that just a little suspect or is it just me? I mean don't take my girl's statement literally, because there are several men on facebook that we know and know of that have been married for a while, but there ain't a hint of nothing to suggest they said, "I did".

And this issue can be extended and applied to streets of the "A" as well. I can't tell you the number of men I have met or know that, say their wedding ring got caught in the garbage disposal. And men have to know that the circles, even in the A, are small; I especially love the linesister connection ... it's is deep in this here town because I have seen a number of men get called out as they are attempting to wear their "single" shirt in the streets with a, "I know you from somewhere... what a minute, didn't you marry our soror?"And that is when he quietly clears his throat and whispers a, "Uh, I did".

So what my single friends don't get is, Why the single appearance? Do the wives know and endorse this or are they also operating with less than full disclousre? Like unless he is in some sort of arranged marriage situation, he made a conscious and sober decision to propose, and walk down the aisle to say "I do". So why the false pretense? Why do us single girls have to scope out the left hand, decipher whether the ring finger has the faint suntan line or slight indentation, and then call on the linesister police squad to verify or call his bluff?

So this is what SP contends: To the married man who knows more about what spots are the hottest, is kickin' it harder than his single boys, and as a souvenir of his night out, he got the most pics on his facebook profile surrounded by ladies cheesin', but hmmm.... there is notta one picture displayed of what should be the most important woman in his life....

Play fair, only because the single life is already hard enough and quite honestly, you made the conscious, sober decision to trade your single t-shirt for the nuptial necktie. So if you said "I do", then let me be the one to tell you, you really did. And for that reason... Well? You're single life was done! :) --SP

Special shout out to A.S. for coming up with this blog's title. I love it!

"You wanna put what in where?" And Other Things to Contemplate Giving Up

So once again, I was having girl conversation this past week with a couple of friends. As we were catching up on each other's lives, of course I had to ask about one of my friend's dating life... You know it's not to be nosy or anything but when you are in the 30+ single girl club, you always want to know if another one left you behind in the struggle...

And yep, she left me. Well almost.:) She told me that she was still seeing a guy after 3 years, was very happy, and possibly on the road to marriage. I was definitely excited for her. But she also said her happiness in this relationship wasn't without giving up some things...

I was intrigued. "Like what?", I asked. Because of course if you've made it to 30 without getting hitched, at some point you received several of the TD Jakes/Michelle McKinney Hammond, "Woman Thou Art Gonna Get Your Man: You're Well-Kept & Favored But Just be Patient a Little Longer" books. And then you wrote that "husband" list of qualities/non-negotiables you want in your mate that is dated, let's say 11/12/2002 right after you dealt with what you thought would be the last bit of foolishness of your single dating life... and that would be my story. LOL!

Well she goes on to tell me that although her man has a family business, he isn't college educated. I could definitely understand this being an issue since she is at Ph.D. status. But it got me thinking... I haven't read my "husband" list in a long time... Wonder what my qualities/non-negotiables were? And then I thought about what sorts of things my close friends and I have given up, contemplated giving up, or was asked to give up in order to trade in their single status. Some things considered may seem immaterial to some but my crew, others, and I have developed strong opinions about and at some point have had to take a closer look at what we were willing to do in some situations.

Well like, for example... Am I willing to give up the do-rag during night time play? STRONG opinions from the black girl crew that this is a downright NOT gonna happen. I mean I can understand why a man may not want their girl to come to the playground with her head wrapped and tied, but the fallback the next morning for trying to go do-ragless for the sake of sexy is quite substantial. And for real, isn't there a point when a man needs to know that fabulous-ness takes work and is mandated? (i.e. hair sylist specific instruction to maintain wrappness by all means necessary until next appointment) But I know a few who are willing to rock the ponytail or take an "L" the FIRST time, but pretty much it's a no go...Do-rags wins over sexy. Not saying it's right... but I do understand.

Can the pew boo at the church house be given up for the enthusiastic attender of Bedside Baptist? Once again, not so sure about this one especially living in the Bible belt. Church-going on Sundays is as necessary and customary as sweet tea with the Sunday meal... And you get the same ghastly reaction with immediate layin' of hands when you say you don't do either while your southern heritage is put into question (Yes, I was born and raised in NC...I am Lutheran...Yes we are Christians and it's a reputable denomination... No I don't have a church home).... But I have met some seemingly non-athieistic, know God pretty well, cool kinda guys who aren't of this southern perusasion. Why can't they get a chance? Hell, Charlotte on Sex and the City gave up Jesus to be with her man (I know, I know it's only a TV show). Good men could come in a lot of packages, sometimes of the "wayward" sorts. And Lawd knows those sittin' in the pew are often times doing the same do that the wayward do... the only difference is the wayward are just willing to admit it... and have a lot more fun doing it... At least one of my girls can contest to that. :)

Or what about what would it take to give up the tall dude for the not-so-tall dude? Believe it or not this is a HUGE issue in the A as this city is noted for the land of the 5 foot 6-ers. For my 5 foot self it's heaven because it's never an issue to find someone taller than me, even at heel height, although I have met a few of my height equivalents... And at those times I can totally understand why one of my girls, who is blessed with long legs, wants a man that she can look up to, stand on her tippy toes with, and feel enveloped by his prescence.. (although she doesn't have to worry about producing little midget children like I do if she's with her height equivalent). Lately she has relaxed her standards a bit as she proudly tells me last week, "I said yes to a date with a not-so-tall, chubby dude, but he still cute in the face. See, I'm making concessions.. but if I have to go short, I ain't given up on cuteness." (Uh, by the time this blog went to press, the not-so-tall chubby-cute-in-the-face dude got the boot... He wears FUBU... Damn.)

Or here is one.. Can "good girl status" be trumped by the "You wanna put what in where?" All I have to say about this one is that EVERY girl at one point or another has been asked to give a little more than they have been exposed to and EVERY girl has wondered if she takes it "there" will she have gone "too far" with this one or is it "too soon" to break this out and lose the good girl image. I think for everyone there is a "I've gone too far without being eternally hitched to this dude" point but you can never quite know where that is... until of course the day you're brave enough to ask your girl who responds, "They still make girls like you?"... Word?! Ok, who knew the girl I passed along my trade secrets is now my tutor? Well as I was once told, the secrets to a great teacher is to appear to have known all your life what you just learned this morning...I'm slippin'. LOL!

All I know is I have had many of conversations with my girls and it's amazing that most of them, even after crossing the 30 threshold, are holding strong to their do-rags, pew boos, and their good girl status. What I don't know is if we are holding on strong to some things that will only leave us alone in the end... As one male friend explained, "Yeah you can hold out for "that" man if you want to, but you'll be like that girl over there... Tall and alone hanging out with your virtue. Looks like happily ever after." :-!

As for me? Well I'm definitely contemplating giving up some things; not because I am settling, but becasuse I am willing to compromise... "You wanna put what in where? Well, as long as you do that with this?.... We're good!"---SP

The Single Girl's Most Critical Accessory

No, it isn't the chestnut brown Mac lipgloss, the Gucci fanny pack or Beyonce's freakum dress (although these ought to be definite accessories in your closet). You know a single girl has to always put her best face forward and have those secret weapon pieces in her wardrobe that if circumstances call for it, she can whip it out. My latest secret weapon are my new 5 inch black suede thigh-high boots. Yes 5 inches! They are fierce and I am a tall diva in them. I broke them in last weekend and they worked a number.

I digressed a little :) BUT I realized that for a long time, I have been missing the one crucial accessory that every single woman must have... The Boy BFF.

Lately, after my girl told me she has two Boy BFFs (greedy), I realized that I haven't had one in some time. My first Boy BFF was in high school. Back then, there weren't called "Boy BFFs", he was just a label-less item, but nevertheless, he was THE necessary accessory during that time. High school, especially amongst girls, can be a brutal time so he was definitely my sounding board. We used to hang out, talk about relationships, give each other advice and contrary to popular high school belief and rumor, there was not an ounce of chemistry between us. He was just that cool friend.

The Boy BFF is critical for a single girl because we need that male, no-nonsense, the non-"woo woo woo", prescence to bring the yin to our girls' yang. As my girl attempted to plan ice-skating as the first date with her latest new guy, her Boy BFF tersely responded, "And what heterosexual male did you consult with that approved ice skating?" Um, needless to say, my girl's first date will be the Hawks game... :) The Boy BFF will let you know when to love 'em or leave 'em alone. He can give that male perspective on dating, how to approach a matter or let you know when you've been "had". As a male friend of mine put it, "I can spot THAT dude because I AM THAT dude". LOL!

Now as important as my girls are, they only offer a one-sided perspective on dating and relationships and honestly, they are just as clueless as I am. It is like we are playing on a team with no offensive coordinator who has the play-calling expertise for each down--- You gotta know the other team's moves. And your girls, bless their hearts, can analyze a situation down to its atomical particles. We can talk (and I have done this) for 2 hours on a 30 second voicemail from a man that says, "Hey... Just wanted to see what's going on, hadn't talk to you in a while. Hope all is well." ---You'd be amazed at the dissertation we could create on this. Your girls mean well, but they have the potential to lead you to thinking and doing some hilarious things, co-sign on it and then later say, "that may not have been the wisest move". The Boy BFF will not even go there with you because frankly, they don't have the patience and to them, it's an exercise in futility. It is not hard facts, a problem to be solved and men like to solve something and be done. Cut throat but a good trait.

BUT! Boy BFFs have their limits too. Boy BFFs don't have intuition or at least don't know how to use it. Your girls will have that "gut feeling", when there aren't any hard and fast facts on a guy's behavior or you feel and know that something in the universe has shifted... My girl and I spotted a man's interest in her before he even knew he had it! Boy BFFs aren't equipped for this. And Boy BFFs can NEVER tell you or sense when a chic is doing some 'ol underhanded s***. You and your girls can sniff out that chic's agenda before she enters a room and utters a word, but your Boy BFF will say something foolish like, "She's seems like a cool girl"... Whatever, I got her playbook on the shelf at home.

So my quest began for a Boy BFF and after vetting 3 guys, I found him. I told him that he would be my hard-nose go-to guy for advice when I need it, but I reassured him that he will not, shan't not advise me on the latest haircut choice or this winter's fashion trend as those opinions are for my Gay Boy BFF, next season's accessory item. :) You might think I am slightly nuts but I think I am on to something because another girlfriend is thinking about getting a Boy BFF too. I told her it's the hottest item out, we can't be our fly-est without one; the women will want to know our secret and the men will be on us to their own surprise....

The Boy BFF... as critical as my 5-inch black suede thigh-high boots. If you don't already have 'em, it's a definitely must get! ---SP

Pump my gas and you can have whatever you like... It's that simple (Ode to KT)

So my close girls and I were talking about some of our past suitors and what we remembered most about them. I am not sure how we got on this conversation but anyway, what was so funny about this conversation was we were all mentioning similar moments that hit the same chord for us... It was when a man does those "little things".

We were agreeing with the "Yes girl", and the "Ooo, I like that" and "Girl, I almost fell in love with him that day". It was quite amusing. But we all agreed that when he did those "little things" what we liked most was he did them without being asked......hinted, conjoled, prodded, suggested, or even hoodwinked.

Now I nor my girls think a man ought to be a mind reader... We know a man's limits. ;) But there are these "little things" that really mount to be "big things". And when a man does these "little things" or anything without a woman saying anything, to her it is saying, without saying, that you are taking notice of her.... And when a woman feels noticed, well.... I know few women who won't have a satisfying favor in return. :)

But in my mind this idea also begs the question of whether or not a man really would think these things are important? Well frankly it doesn't matter if he thinks it is important or not, he should just obliged. Why? All I know is that doing any of these "little things" or whatever floats her boat will definitely get a man quickly to MVP status. And if you get to MVP status, well a man can probably get whatever he likes and whatever he likes is... that thing he likes. And isn't that what a man wants? -) So what are these "little things"? Well...
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1. Pump My Gas
Now I must admit that this one I have a thing for and one time had a "Battle of the Sexes" where most thought I was little forward with this one. But seriously, I just can't stand to see a dude chillin' in the passenger seat while his girl is pumping gas... Ugh! It may be a rare occassion that this will happen, but if I am driving, I think it is something nice when I pull up to the pump and the man immediately jumps out and heads to my tank. Now, I ain't saying he has to pull out his debit card in order to get the kudos; he just needs to be the one to take notice and handle it. And to me this is a simple one, because this "little thing" is laid out for him... Me, Him, My car, Low on gas, The gas station. Simple, right?

2. Take Out The Trash
I think this takes a man to really be perceptive of his surroundings... Now I'm not saying he should be going to every room and assessing the level of trash in each of my recepticles, but let's say if he is putting something in the kitchen trash can and he sees that it is full, or he notices that it is trash day in the neighborhood and the can needs to be rolled out, it would be a lovely gesture to just take care of it. A simple, but an-affirmative-I-will-handle-it question: "Looks like your trash needs to go to the curb. Where is the can?" Bam! She is loving on him.

3. Wash the Car
Now, I must say that washing a women's car will even bring the most virtuous woman to change her ways. This is probably the biggest of the "littlest things". I mean, if a man does this, at least for one of my girls, he might even get her to do "that thing" he likes. LOL. My girl called me one Saturday afternoon whispering in the phone, "SP, I am peeking out through his blinds and I saw that he finished washing his car but then... Girl! He started putting suds on my car!" Then she said, "What should I do? I feel like I need to be doing something for him". I simply said "Gurrl, get to cooking, chill a beer, start a bath, practice that new trick you been thinkng about". Needless to say, she got to cooking, chilling, and practicing. He didn't even know what was about to hit him, but I think he was a very happy man.

4. The Grocery-Bag-Bring-In
This almost falls in line with the pump my gas so I won't go in a lot detail. It is really simple. My girl talked about how important this was to her because growing up she and her mom would do the shopping but her mother NEVER lifted a finger once she got home. She didn't have to say anything to her father except "I'm home". She and her mom would come in, sip tea, and watch her father and brother directly bring 'dem groceries in the house. After they were done, my girl and her mother organize the kitchen. Needless to say, it will always be a favorable move to bring my girl's groceries in... It's in her DNA.

5. The Airport Pick-Up
Everyone knows that feeling when you leave out of town and especially that kind of lonely feeling you get when you return. I don't know why, but there is something about coming home and no one is there to greet you. BUT! when you have someone there waiting for you... yes, that's a good day. One of my girls knows this all to well because she travels quite a bit and recently she was offered a pick-up from the airport from a new suitor in her life. She felt that this gesture was definitely a step in the right direction. As for me, well I must say I reminisced about an airport pick up not to long ago and I definitely felt kind of gitty and excited... And I think he liked what he got. :)

6. Seasonal Bonus: Trim the Tree
Since it is the holidays, I think this one is a definite plus and will get the hot chocolate a bubblin'. Unfortunately I personally don't have a tree this year but if I did and the man I dated knew I had one, if he asked me if I wanted help getting it up and trimming the tree, I would definitely feel quite noticed. Now, I must say that trimming a tree may feel too "coupley" or feel too much like a proposal is near... I even told my girl to be careful trimming with a man she has only gone on 2 dates with. Don't want to overstep our steps, but it definitely is a good move to get that tree out the attic. If so, he is probably in line for that mistletoe treat.

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What really struck me most about my girlfriend chat was that when one notices the small things in a relationship, both parties win. And even in marrages, this seems to ring true. Sometimes I think men don't really know what satisfies a woman or think that satisfaction only happens in the late night. But late night satisfaction really is directly related to day time satisfaction. Unfortunately, us ladies forget to voice this and our appreciation. So it bears repeating.

Here is SP's and her girls' voices: Pump our gas, do the airport pickup, and dear lawd, if you wash our cars? You will definitely be on your way to havin' whatever you like.. It's really that simple. ... SP

Got The Holiday Ho Hums?... Anyone?... Anyone?

So tomorrow marks the official beginning of the holiday season and I already got the Holiday Ho Hums. It didnt really hit me until this week when people started to ask me what I was doing for Thanksgiving and I responded in a very non-enthused tone... "I'm going home".

Why am I not enthused? Well for one, I have done T-Day and Christmas at home every year of my life --- that's 25 years of the same thing! (lol). And as a friend summed it up so pointedly: "Since my sister and I have been adults and she has inherited in-laws, T-Day dinner has been reduced to just my mom, dad, Great-Aunt Bessie, and me sitting across from some random man my parents invited who I think likes to "make eyes" with me. And last year we didn't even eat off the good plates at the dining room table".... Ho Hum, Ho Hum.

And Christmas isn't much different. Unless you have children (which I don't have) or young nieces and nephews that you can visit on Christmas morning, the Christmas thrill left you at age 19 when your parents' gift was a receipt for your spring semester college tuition payment.... Ho Hum, Ho Hum.

So what am I going to do about my 2008 Holiday Ho Hums? Nothing. At least not this year, but I have already decided and planned to do something different next year and I won't pack any guilt feelings... I think at my old age of 28 (I did say 28, right?), I am realizing that my life has taken a different turn and although my family is an important part of my life, my life also includes other interests, other people, and other things, as it has for some of my family members; My brother is married with a 3 year old and my dad has a new lady friend that occupies his time. And this is okay that my brother's life is in another chapter and my dad's life has started anew. So now it's my turn to start the next chapter of my life... Jamaica 2009 holiday.... Anyone?... Anyone? -)

Until then, I will go home this year and be thankful for the family I have...because I am. I am thankful for the endless memories, the love, the laughter, and the great soul-food my grandmother has prepared for us year after year that always filled my belly and my spirit... Through it all, my family has loved me and supported me in everything that I have done; No Ho Hums about that... instead I am forever grateful... SP