The Unintended & The Unforeseen Life of the 30+ Single Girl in the A

I sometimes have to sit back and ask myself, "How in the world do my girls and I find ourselves in the craziest of dating cirsumstances???"

I mean, we're no different than any other girl crew in my estimation. We gab, drive foreign cars, enjoy a nice vino, exalt a good shoe game, pay our fare, and praise 'Em on Sunday (Ok, I've missed about... all the church goings of the year, but Jesus knows my heart) :) All we want is to date a good and normal man--- we meet them in the pew, we get the seal of approval from our married match-makers, we find them at the grocery store ...BUT! somehow, someway we've ended up in some hilarity that makes us shake our head, laugh, and say WTH??? G-T-F-O-H!

Ridiculous-ness, #1: "The Teddy Bear Traveler"
So, my girl was introduced to this dude, he seems cool. She agrees to let him pick her up (aganist her better judgement). As he opens the door, she notices a passenger strapped in the seatbelt...

What is it??? It's a teddybear.... In children's clothes. He explains that this teddy bear rides everywhere he goes (And no, in case you were thinking, it wasn't a first date gift). But OH! "Safety First". Before he could drive off, he ensured that the teddy bear was properly seatbelted and comfortable.... I mean, what do you do with that??? Ridiculous-ness... lol.

Seriously??? #2: "The Squealer---Eek Me Baby!"
Y'all... He squealed...And to give this some context, I can only come up with the comparison from Waiting to Exhale when Whitney Houston's character was with the dude that "Grr!", and she looks bewildered and says, "Grr?" back to him in a tone that emanates, "Seriously???"

Well replace "Grr!" with an "Eek!"... That's right, "Eek!"

I guess "Eek!" is what we get down here in the A.. It alludes that "Free to be Me" spirit. :P

Hilarity, #3: "Introducing The Magpie and His Frisky Feline"
This is probably the craziest situation we've seen. So [sigh]... my girl met a guy that she was diggin' on. After a few outings, she was curious that he never invited her to his house... until she got there. Y'all, he was a classified hoarder. A true magpie, like the kind you see on that A&E show. The way my girl described his place, I imagine it looked something like this...

For real?? Yeah, for real.

You want some more hilarity? In all that mess, he had the nerve to look cross-eyed when she didn't her take shoes off at the front door.

Want the GTFOH??? His cat took to his corner and masturbated... with his front paw... to completion. Dude told her it's the cat's daily ritual.

I really don't think this needs further commentary. Moving on. :P

This is what I get, #4: "Tenderoni Sends Me Swingin'"
So Tenderoni... YES, he's of legal age, sound body...but not quite of sound mind. Why? Well, he, (like every black man here in the A), has the side-gig of party promotion. Clearly, party promotion is the 2010 side hustle-equivalent of pushing women's clothing from the car trunk- No judgment though. "It's commerce, ni**a!" :)

But I digress... Anywho, so being the supportive friend that I try to be, a couple of Fridays ago, I go to one of his events. I walk in to a crowd of about---5, and I notice something quite unusual...

SP: "Wow, you all are playin' a little porn on the flat screen. Interesting".
Tenderoni: "Oh, that's typical, they swing here"
SP: [Chokes on drink], "I'm sorry but did you say swing? Are we at a swinger's club???"
Tenderoni: "Yeah, but nobody is swingin' tonight except maybe that couple over there."
SP: "Right... So you couldn't think of a better place to throw your party? I mean, a strip club could've been a better option than this."
Tenderoni: "Strip clubs are quite debaucherous, I think."
SP: "Riiiiight, and that's clearly not the tone that resonates here." [WTH?!]

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What can I say??? These are the completely unintended and the can't even begin to foresee situations we have found ourselves in the A. But hey, as I told a budding 30-flirty girlfriend, when you finally make it into my age box as a single girl, it will be rare thing that you won't have an adventure. So live it, love it, maybe you too will get invited to swing! --SP :)

Sometimes, I reach for the stars...

Yea, I admit it--- Sometimes I secretly look to what astrologers have to say about me and love....

I think we all secretly get online and check out what astrologers say about love, compatibility, and sexuality, because when it comes to relationships, everyone is looking for some solid gold answer that explains the bullets of our past and the love makings of our future. I mean how else can my girls and I explain my last date's irrational and moody behavior... "Gurrl, what's his sign???... Yep. that's an Aquarius man for you". :)

Well, this is one of many excerpts I've read about me and love. I'm thinking this is pretty valid information as one of the authors of this website abandoned her accounting degree to study astrology and designs jewelry in her free time. The other author has the ability to "just know" things. :P

So what do they tell me???

You love tenderly and compassionately...You have a sense of humor in love, but you are a very sensitive person. Harshness bothers you... Wistfulness is almost as natural to you as breathing when it comes to love. No matter how you approach other areas of your life, there is a romantic side of you. You crave making a connection with a person but prefer to "feel out" both the person and the relationship.

Everything about the way you flirt promises a lovely time. You have an elusive charm — you are sweetly playful, a little moody, and perhaps a little irregular. You can be devastatingly attractive to some people, and your charm is of a tender and soft quality. Others sense your warmth, but also some elusiveness. As much as you want to connect and share with another person, you also resist being pinned down. You prefer to enjoy a certain amount of freedom to act on your feelings, rather than through impositions...

Sometimes you attach yourself to people because you have a hard time saying "no". However, you also have a hard time pretending for any length of time. Your exit from a relationship may not always be direct and quick...

You can sometimes seem like a chameleon in your relationships. People who share time with you, if they were to exchange notes about you, would likely have a very different impression of you. You can seem like a completely different person with different people--not because you have a weak character. Because you are an emotional sponge, you pick up the needs of those around you...

You have an amazing capacity to understand people and to forgive. Just as you resist being pinned down to an absolute, a schedule, or a concrete definition, you also have a hard time drawing boundaries. In the process, however, you open yourself up to challenging situations and relationships. It is difficult for you to pass judgment on anyone in an absolute sense, as you have compassion for human failings, but sometimes it is the only way to close yourself off from a bad situation...

Pisces is the last sign of the zodiac, and it carries with it each and every sign. The right lover for you will recognize your kindness and your willingness to pick up the needs of others as signs of strength! When that special someone has touched your heart, they are rewarded with a funny, sometimes kooky, and always tender-hearted lover. The right person for you will find you absolutely delightful, intriguingly changeable, and a treasure indeed.

So basically they're saying that I'm a scatterbrained who lacks boundaries, makes bad choices with men, adorns the "I am sen-si-tive" t-shirt on a regular, is inconsistently needy, can't let go of relationships when I should, and pass bad judgments on men to get them out of my life, BUT...

I. am. adorable! (So love me anyway)... I think I can live with that. :P

--SP

The Hot Spring Single Trends of 2010

This year I decided I had to face the choice about my 30+ flirty dating life---

Either go hard or play pity-party-pissy-pants.

We all know the 30+flirty-fabulous life can get real tricky...The fix-ups, break-ups, make-ups, and belly-ups can get you into a dating rut.

But spring is finally here in the A and something is definitely in the air. So what do I do??? I spruce up my wardrobe, plaster the pleasant "get-at-me" look on my face, and increase my relevancy by finding the latest dating trends of 2010. Well.... sprucing up wasn't so hard (a wife beater, skinny jeans, and my lift-me heels will always do the trick in a crunch)... The pleasant look thing has been problematic only when my across-the-room flirts were mis-fired ("Oooo not you dude, THAT dude, yes, yes I likey you"). But here's what the latest dating advice tells me...

1. Define what you want in a relationship...Ok, ok, so I've been having a little trouble articulating this one, but I figure why can't I go about this like the Supreme Court did about obscenity???... I know it when I see it. :)

2. Assess your baggage...I got 2 carry-ons and a duffle bag, so charge me extra like Delta does. WTH? If you are 30+ and still in the game, who wouldn't have baggage??? I know I got two pairs of "dude" genes (that's what many of my Boy BFFs tell me), an extra pair of misgivings, and a lovely fragrance of "For real, that's how you wanna step to me???" But, hey I'll do my best to check them.

3. Ditch the deadline, enjoy the journey--- LOL, for real??? I don't think there is notta one 30+ single lady that can respond to this one without laughing... Let's just move on...

4. Work your network--- Clearly these dating guru folks don't live in the A. Me and my girls have recycled, exchanged, and returned to the clearance bin several times in this city. There's something to be said when your friends want to hook you up with a "fabulous guy" only to find out that it's "coupon boy" from 3 years ago>>> Just a little needed departure from my train of thought here: It goes without saying that no man ought to take a first date out on a BOGO budget... "Naw baby, we going to this restaurant here and Ima need you to order this catfish meal so I can use my coupon before it expires". But Steve Harvey says I'm single because I'm too picky. Stevie, call me what you will, but a BOGO is a "hell no". :)

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I'm sorry but this advice is not written for us 30s in mind, so I figured I would just come up with some relevant spring time single trends for 2010 of my own.

1. Don't play hard to get, just try not to get got!... I'm saying, I still don't get why the fellas think they get some enroads with me just because you gave me a very specific compliment or you remember ONE detail from our last conversation? Don't look at me squarely because I don't eat up your pleasantries especially when you think you just handed me your signature line... "I know you have a role to play and I got mine, but let's forgo them and see what can happen" It's smooth dude but believe me I've heard it before, or at least I paid attenttion to them ABC Schoolbreak Specials .

2. Don't touch anything but yourself. I just think these are just good dating words to live by, but if you follow this in a pinch, it could score you some MAJOR points. (Just joshin', just playin'... LOL).

3. Always be ready for the next one. My girl had to remind me of this one. There's no need for me to speak about your behavior for you to try to play me like my name is Sally Sausage Head. I know all about the Bait 'n' Switch game (Shout out to Sill-E thoughts on this one). The beauty of a woman is her intuition and it has been RARE that me and my girls didn't call something spot on early in the game. As I've been told, sometimes it's better to stay quiet and be thought a fool than to speak rashly and remove all doubt. I won't speak rashly but I will keep it moving... Next!

--SP

Can you hear a bullet before it hits you???

So me and my girl were chatting it up last week and of course, we started talking about our dating lives... a sorted few in particular.

"Girl, remember him??? I am so glad that we didn't work out. That new chick of his inherited a headache. I dodged that bullet like... Pwuuunnn!" (Insert quick neck shift to the left with bullet sound about here) LOL.

And so ensued an interesting back and forth banter about the number of "bullets" we have fortuitously dodged over our single years. And here I go asking...

"What about that "first love" bullet?"... All I can say about this is if I got hit by this bullet, I would be tending to a recently released convict of the NC Department of Corrections (Love you boo, but I'm sayin'...).

"And the "turned me out" bullet?"... He's the one that makes you start off every conversation with "Guuurrrrl, bye!" He is absolutely the ineffable shag in the hay.... Hell, he probably had a shag and used hay but guurl, you didn't care! He made you say yes to all requests... "You wanna put what in where???.... O-Tay." But while these dudes have some sort of savant sexual intelligence, it boggles you that basic english is insurmountable. The last time I saw this dude, he was working at Dairy Queen. If only he could blend his triple letter consonants like he did those "skr"awberry blizzards.... LOL.

The "got potential" bullet... Man, how many of THESE dudes are around??? You know, like the kind, who is intimidatingly smart, quick wit, and can argue extemporaneously the implications of anarchism as a valuable political ideology, BUT! ... works as the shift manager at Athlete's Foot . WTH??? What wrong turn did you take off the yellow brick road? :P

The "gay" bullet... Hey, it happens... To a couple of us, might I add ( And to remind you, we DO live in the gayest town in America). Thank heavens for the girls helping each other take those subtle-but-raised-right-brow signs seriously, we have avoided the flexible wrists, man gossip-teurs (a little strange when you know more about the latest Reggie Bush's pre-breakup jump off) , and the soft-convertible-two-seaters dudes (Seriously your car is gay)... But for those who know, you can't take away from their creative date night options (Wired & Fired Pottery had that sensual Swayze/Demi feel), their love of decor (They can help style up your bathroom on a $100 budget and a hook up from Targe't), and their expert knowledge of Carrie Bradshaw-esque fashion (You know about the Carrie does Vogue pin-stripe Vivienne Westwood suit??? ... Uh, let's be friends, 'kay?).

After this conversation, me and my girl had no choice but to bestow the obligatory "Wipe Me Down" move to each other. We got some of that Matrix-dodge-the-bullet-type skills! LOL... But then our conversation took an interesting turn. "You know, we didn't dodge every bullet out there. Yeah, you remember when you got hit? Did you even see it coming??? How in the world did you and I get caught up like that?"

There is always that one, the one where even here, it begs the proverbial question, "Can you hear a bullet before it hits you???" It's time for me to write about Him. --SP

Shout out to my first-letter-of-the-alphabet homie for the great conversations!

This could be a good one...

So every year after all this V-day business, my birthday comes a week later. Most of the time, I let the day do its thing, I think, "I'm glad to be here" & other birthday-like yada yada yadas, but I can usually count on my day unraveling like so...

• My mom will call at the time I was born (7:25am) and will go through the day of my birth. She will always remind me that when I was first born, she looked at me strangely and said to the doctor's, "Who is this child???" I was bald-headed and beet red.
• My brother will call and do the older brother thing, by telling me how we are getting older and other folks in our family and in the world are wasting time (Gotta get the sober reality talk from at least one person, right???:P).
• Then sometime throughout the day, my girls will call me. Someone will inevitably attempt to sing me a song, usually with a rap (I think this year it will be you, MM). I will also have to remind at least one of them how old I am and we will have to get into a conversation as to how I am oldest amongst my girlfriends in the A (but never mistaken as such). :)
• My dad will call and he will go through everyone's birthday in the family... "Your birthday is in February, your uncle is in January, then there's several birthdays in July... Your brother's birthday is July 2nd, then it's your mother's, right???, I'm September..."
• Let's see... Oh! My grandparents will call and say, "Happy Birthday, baaaaay-beee!" I will also have to tell them how old I am, my grandmother will be shocked, and wonder when I'm gonna find somebody.
• I will get a Vicky Secret birthday coupon in the mail to come and pick up my free panty.

I am very thankful for my yearly birthday line-up because I am reminded (in very unusual ways) how much I am loved... (Even the lingerie store thinks enough of me to say that I need a new set of panties for my big day). As usual, I am doing nothing over the top to celebrate, except hangin' out with some good friends, drinking the best margaritas in town, and doing some ol' skool dancing (I decided after last week's musings that margaritas are my friend).

But surprisingly, as I approach this upcoming bday with no more enthusiasm than any other bday, I keep hearing a voice that says, "Wait SP! This could be a good one"...

Ok, not big on voices (and in my profession, voices aren't really looked upon favorably), but this one has gotten me intrigued especially since it has somehow broken thru my present 30+flirty funk... Maybe this year will bring me... an answer to my latest SP life dilemnas... OR a winning lottery ticket! A job halfway across the world! A visit to "Parie"!

So, what do I do to figure out this voice's elusive message??? I go to wikipedia (LOL) and it says my forthcoming age is a natural number that represents.... the atomic number of Arsenic and is the number printed on all Rolling Rock beer... Um, not really the answer I was looking for but either which way the year goes, I hope that voice was on to something... This could be a good one. :)

--SP (the birthday girl).

My Post "Death-to-a-Single-Girl"-Blog Musings...

A couple of weeks ago two of my male friends scooped me up so we could catch up and have a couple of drinks. We went to Rare, a groovy southern tapas restaurant, that recently re-opened after a long hiatus (Glad you're back!).

It was there, after we had our first round, that we started discussing the contents of my last blog entry. Not like a couple of my girls (who interestingly are sisters) who deemed it my "Death to a Single Girl" blog (yes, I admit it was a little downbeat but I thought it showed my cynical but cute side :P ), my Boy BFFs had different take on it. The conversational exchange went something like this...

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Boy BFF#1: SP, I read your blog.

SP: Whatcha think about it?

Boy BFF#1: It was cool, but while you are writing about blahs about your single life, you don't seem to want to get married. You're picky. I don't think you really even want a boyfriend.

SP: Um...

Boy BFF#2: True.

SP: LOL, Whatever dudes.

Boy BFF#1: Seriously, do you want to be in a relationship???

SP: Well... see, I don't...

Boy BFF#1: You know what SP??? You're happy with a maintenance man, you know someone who can come through, "tighten things up" and then you send them on your way. You don't want them to be a part of the interwovens of your life.

Boy BFF#2: Boo-yah!

SP: No, I do want a partner... of some sort.

Boy BFF#1: SP, what do you want?

SP: Well, uh... see it's like... I want... you know...

Boy BFF #1: SP, easy question, what do you want???

SP: (In my less flustered trying to pull it together), Well, what I want is... (yet another pause)

Boy BFF#1: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

SP: (Trying to scrape for scraps, I blurt), I want love!

Boy BFF#2: Boooooo! Love had me on the hood of a Kia Spectra last night (uh, true event here).

Boy BFF#1: SP, for real, that's all you got???

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I kinda even stunned myself with my shoddy, sub-par response. "I want love???"... Sounds like a throw back from my twenty-somethings. :P

But I must admit, this dialogue hung out in my head for a minute. I couldn't get the fact out of my mind that I, SP of sound mind, body, and 30+ years to boot, could not intelligibly answer this simple question... What do I want?

I started to think about my latest musings, my last writing, and the present state of affairs of my life. After reading my last blog, on the surface it may sound like a 30-flirty-single girl who is ready to turn in her single girl passport for marriage citzenship. But most who really know me know that I have never been that simple... nor that "Matt Lauer" glib to think that the cure for my latest single girl blues is matrimony, a boyfriend, or even a Friday night date in the A.

Rather, I think my "Death to a Single Girl" blog is more of the rantings and ravings of a 30+ single girl in the A who forgot that she's been given the gift of time to craft out the exact kind of life she wants (and most assuredly needs). And I must say here, I thank "the good" that looks out for me in this universe for this gift because I am pretty sure left up to me, I would have f'd some things up and over if I got what I want when I wanted it.

But as for now, my thoughts say that maybe Boy BFF is right. When I looked up the official job duties, maybe I do want the maintenance-sort of man (Not a bad gig, right??? LOL). But maybe I am right too....I want "love" (whatever that is). Who knows, maybe these two seemingly opposing life choices can co-exist. So until I figure out this conundrum, onto my musings au courant: Margaritas... Friend or Foe??? :) --SP

Can I be upfront and honest???

It's been a long while since I blogged--- about 4 months actually. And I could easily contribute my hiatus to being busy or the holidays getting me caught up, yada, yada, yada... But if I were to be completely upfront and honest, my little intermission was essentially due to not having one single upbeat and flirty idea to talk about. In reality, my 30, flirty so fabulous single life had hit an all time low.

I usually have some funny and heartening story to share to bring in the much anticipated weekends... But instead of my usual SP's-single-girl-playbook-strategies and the optimistic pledges-to-say -"I do"-to-singlehood commentaries, I was coming up with titles like "How to Stay Sober When You Know Your Life Sucks" or "Misery in the "A"... The "A" can kick rocks!" (The way I'm feeling, these titles may still make the rotation, LOL.)

It's really been a sad state of affairs. First, "bad" started when I had a string of uninspiring dates. "Worse" happened when I realized that I hadn't had sex in several months and guess what everybody??? --- I really didn't care (seriously, has anyone seen my mojo?). Then my single fabulous self took a nose dive when my gyne looked panicked-stricken when I told him I was 30 (plus some) and hadn't had a baby and there's no one in my life to GET me pregnant. My gyne looked at me as if I was a dating underachiever and quickly prescribed me some "relations" for the new year (Yes, he actually said "relations"). The final call was when I caught myself telling an ex-beau a half-truth that I was seeing someone fabulous, when all I was seeing was my future single self drowning in a sea of tragic statistics-- 1.8 million more black women than men; Elimiate the gay, the married, the already dated, the non-commital types, this leaves me with about 2, that's right 2 men that are preferrable to date.

Not like I haven't had a period of single life ho-hums, but for some reason this time I was lost. I wasn't so sure if I had the kind of bounce back of my 20's where you can shake off the bad dates, break open your "case of emergency, shag in the glass", leave the heartbreaks behind, and pull out the freak 'em dress on a Thursday night to catch a few new boos. When you turn the 30 curve, 90% of dates are bad, shag in a glass is married (although still calling... WTH???), heartbreaks hurt worse, and freak 'em dresses look desperate and frankly, you gotta get up for the a.m. work roll call--on time-- because your bills are real... I couldn't bear to myself that my feisty single idealisms of my 20s had converted into peevish cynicism in my 30s.

But during this trek, I have come to understand this whole single thing... Sometimes the ride is amazing, great friends, a sense of freedom, and anticipation of what is to come. But sometimes it sucks. Freedom feels like I'm without direction, there is nothing in the foreseeable future to anticipate, and in truth it just gets lonely sometimes where a girlfriend won't do. But, with each new day brings... who am I kidding? No happy wrap up here. When you come to a certain age, it just takes too much energy to make the bullisht up and truthfully... it's my blog and I can stay cynically peevish if I want to. :) --SP

What's with single women and their dogs???

It was funny because not too long ago, I was having small talk with a guy who said to me...

"Why does every single black woman I meet have a dog?"

I kind of chuckled at his question but then I realize he was asking it out of seriousness, like he felt some kind of way about this truth that is increasingly prevalent amongst us single ladies.

Yes, I have a dog and her name is Rosie. She's a cute, fiesty little thing, just shy of 4lbs. I got her when she was 6 weeks old right when I was finishing up my graduate work and moving to the A. Most know that I love her dearly and while she is sometimes inconveniently spoiled, I wouldn't trade her for anything.

Now when this guy asked this rhetorical question and the way in which he did, I initially felt like I received some sort of a penalty dating point me... I'm thinking, "SP got all this fabulousness and he can't seem to get pass the fact that I have a dog???" I was taken aback but then this wasn't the first time this was a source of contention for men pursuers in my world.

How did I respond??? Well, I simply said...

Some of us single ladies have dogs, but no matter how strong and independent I may be, at the end of the day I desire companionship--- consistent companionship, loving companionship. And while this isn't difficult for a dog, I have come to find that the male species have failed plenty of times to offer me the same (Mmm hmm I said it). Do you really think you can mosey on in here and say something about my dog and the only thing you have given me is a coke and a smile??? Get outta here, sucka! :0

Now let's be clear about something... Don't confuse SP with the crazy dog lady (we all know one) whose life is completely devoted to her puppy dogs and would prefer them over a lovely evening with a man. I was amazed at the number of 40ish year old single women at Rosie's play dates that were acting a little "extra" with their dogs... "Your dog has a high chair???" Yeah, I can't co-sign on this behavior and I need to go ahead and revoke my membership. lol

But in case you're still wondering what's with single women and their dogs??? Get a clue, take a lesson, buy a book, read a letter... For the majority of us single ladies with a dog, we simply just enjoy having one. Period. And if any man knows about a woman's spirit, it's in our nature to nurture (fur babies, our own babies, and yes, a deserving man too) until the job is done. I think if a man is smart enough, he would be able to see how valuable an asset this is in a woman and it is to him. But maybe you just don't have a clue. --SP

SP Can Play That Game!

So this past week, I have been having a conversation with one of my girlfriends and she told me she recently was given some motherly advice... Because she was having some difficulty with the man she was dating, she was advised to implement the "21-day pause".

Not to get into the details of what the "21-day pause" necessitates (that would be a blog in and of itself), we both were chuckling at the idea that her mom had some dating games from circa 1969 that she guaranteed would get the results we wanted. "The 21-day pause is timeless!"

Well, I immediately bit onto the idea. I felt like with her mother's prescription, we were unearthing an oldie but goodie fad, like the Dick Gregory Bahamian diet... I thought this could work like a charm.

I said, "We should do it". In my mind it was for no other reason than to test out her mother's theory to see if this dating woe technique could reap the benefits, to see if my girlfriend would really bite my bait, AND… to see if I could get a good blog out of it... Needless to say, my girl was too smart for all my foolishness. :P

But my girlfriend and I have had countless conversations about this and have constantly debated… Why all the game playing?

Now, you probably figured out what side of the fence I was on based on my enthusiastic response to "the pause". But it even makes me cringe a little to even write the words "game playing" because it conjures up such bad connotations and I feel like you (the reader) will turn on me and won't read anymore of this blog...

But read me out here... :) My girlfriend thinks all the game playing is completely unnecessary and I agree with her and after contemplating our many conversations, I believe this is my take... If the "game playing" is authentic then in essence... it isn't game playing. See, being "hard to get" because indeed you are "hard to get" due to living the life you want, choosing the interactions you want, and selecting the suitors you want to be with, then it is no longer a game. It's real. Implementing the "21-day pause" if you will, by articulating what is given is not what is needed is demonstrating that you truly believe in your own happiness and your ability to get what you desire in your relationships. I maybe wrong but my thinking is once that him experiences this, he will either shape up... or ship the h$ll on! :P

In my new decade of living, I've learned if I "play" anything, then it becomes only about me getting the pay off (i.e., the relationship, the ring, the marriage)--- I think at this point in my life, I don't want something just to have something and just to say to the world I got something. Rather, let me work on my 30+ life, that's fun, flirty, and fabulous- a life that I can only dream of having but I am working my butt off every day to make it my reality... Yeah, now THAT'S the game I think I can play!--SP

For Better or For Worse, I Say I Do.

Now I know if you're 30+, fabulous, and single, you have gotten THE proverbial question from you're married friends, cousins, and grandmas more than you care to remember...

"So... SP why aren't YOU married yet?"

I know they mean well when I get asked this question and they are innocently curious, although sometimes I see the faces that have pinned me as the culprit to my luckless single life and the real question is "What's wrong with YOU?" :P... But it's funny to me that although I have been hit and reminded of my quizzical single status, I am always caught a little off guard. I have to think to myself, "Which spiel will I give them today?" Do I give them the sob story and recant "The Black in America, I should just slice my wrist" statistics which usually generates a bunch of head nods and "Girl, keep your head up". OR do I just hit 'em with the "Down Low Fad" describing it like it's a plague running rampant amongst the single in the A (which isn't so far from the truth). That one I find is usually an immediate stop to the conversation with my Granny... "They fruity like that, baby???" Lol, yeah Granny they that fruity.

But seriously, the honest SP answer is... I don't know why I am not married yet and I don't know the fate of my single life... It may end in a happily ever after situation OR it may blow up in smoke and I resort to being some weird chick that writes a blog of my next decade entitled, "40 Despondent Fridays". You know who's to say and at this point isn't half the fun watching as my life unfolds??? I say just pull up a chair and a glass of wine and follow how this chapter in my life ends for me.

So as my girlfriends are slyly trying to cook up hook ups in the hopes that MAYBE, just MAYBE he is the one (Yes T, I'm talking about you and will be going triple date bowling with all my fabulousness :P) ... I will go along and be open to any possibility that may present itself...

BUT my resolve about my single life and its future is to say... It will happen with the one I am suppose to be with when it happens. I am not trying to work at it, force it, or circumvent it. For better or for worse, I say I do to being happily satisfied with singlehood until "the one" makes himself plain and clear. --SP

The SP Single Girl's Bucket (Scratch that) Fcuket List

We all have done it... "Before I turn 30 I will have gotten my terminal degree, bought a house, and procured a husband with 1 kid and 1 on the way"... Remember??? Yeah, I wrote this when I was 23 and if I were tested on such a dream I would have scored a--- 1 out of 4.

We all have these "Before I {fill in the blank}, I will have accomplished {fill in another blank}" what I have found that usually we are very creative in thinking that this blank filler will be that one profound, life changing experience and moment, but really what most often happens is it leaves me with emotions and behaviors that I am sure are a diagnosable mental disorder and an newly acquired wine drinking habit...

So since I and some my girls haven't yet fulfilled the marriage and 2.2 kids part of "Before I turn 30 bucket list", I figured let me embrace singledom and come up with my Single Girl Fcuket List. You know a list of flirty-aganist-your-momma's-rules things that you've always wanted to admit, do, or let go of. Fine, we got those other list that keep us on the straight and narrow path but let's throw some cautions to the wind, create a new list that says...

"FCUKET, I'm a...."

1. Admit that I really don't know how to cook. I know, it like I just spit on my southern girl roots and practically eliminating all chances (according to my grandma's marriage playbook) of getting that husband and 2.2 kids. But at this 30 and up age, I don't know if I give a flying flip anymore. I have a lot of other positive attributes like being flirty... and sometimes a little dirty, so shouldn't that make up for my lack of culinary skills in the kitchen??? If I must, the key is having the resources at your fingertip.. And that will be grandma on speed dial, a Rachel 30 minute meal on TIVO and if all else fails, I know Whole Foods has an incredible wasabi chicken dish and I have the incredible casserole dish to put it in :)

2. Stop fakin' it--How many times have you been in this predicament? Especially with the ones who make their mission to get you over. And it's hard to not praise hard work and effort right? ("Woo, woo, woo baby that was... a treat.") But ladies, if you haven't already, it's time to take charge of our O. At this point in my life, I'm too old to be pretending (although sometimes it is skill worth preserving to use when there's a sex emergency), too young to be missing out, and there are too MANY guys thinking they got the magic stick... It's time to let them know and let them put in the same amount of work that we do... That's right, it's not called a "job" for nothing sweetie.

3. Flirt with Pastor Mo... Oh, that wasn't very Christian like was it? Fcuket, I mean I'm saying he's newly divorced and very single. Pastor needs to have fun too. Heyyyy Pastor, nice message today. :P

4. Have amazing, mind-blowing meaningless sex... with a foreigner... on vacation (of course with all the CDC's recommendations in my back pocket). No harm no foul right?, especially since men do it all the time but the difference between them and us ladies is that we know the rules... It NEVER counts if it's a one time encounter, OR it's outside the continental US of A, OR it's with someone who's last name escapes you... So with in mine, I am covered by "The Rules" three times over which means I can subtract 3 has beens with this one encounter... Hey, I think this is my best fcuket yet... literally. LOL

And finally,

5. Buy the Rabbit- Now THIS will be the profound change in your life you have been looking for... At least this is what I've been told. :P

--SP (So what's on your fcuket list?)

Will I ever call him by name?

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet?"

Nope. Sorry dear Juliet but in THIS millenium when you are over 30, single, and are very much in the dating world, a rose by any other name puts Romeo in his place.

Sizzler, The Wayward Rev, Dr. Do-little, Ever Ready, Teacher Friend, Corporate, Young Thing, -- and the list goes on of the names my girls and I have coined for the many dates of our lives. (Oh Beau, you wanna know which thou art you? Take a guess.) :)

At first my girls and I conferred these beloved pseudonyms for the pure fun and amusement and sometimes for nothing else, to laugh to keep from crying over single girl dating drama... "Sizzler?"... because he thought the hot date was taking a woman to the Western Sizzler... "Two Foo?" came from a girls v. boys Taboo game where correct pronunciation wasn't considered necessary by the male team. (It's Tofu dude, Tofu!) LOL... "Ever Ready?", well what can I say, that man was ALWAYS ready." :P

Then I began to wonder would Summer Lover, Bobblehead, or Mystery Man take offense to our naming ceremonies... but then I figured nahhhh, men do it too as my crew is affectionately known by some in the A as The Hens, guest starring, No Strings, The Doctor, Freckles & Dark Cloud... Yes, I know this whole idea may sound silly to you and often times it was us being silly gabbing about our single lives... ("You're dating a 25 year old slickster dude who works as a mortician?! Ah, and he would be The Undertaker")... But at some unknown turning point, bestowing pseudonyms became part of the dating rite of passage that most men had to pass through, especially the ones that had a chance with us. I think it helped us create a peculiar but necessary emotional distance from them while caught in the web of dating. So to finally call the "him" I'm seeing by name amongst the girls is a symbolic moment in that he finally earned a place and space in my life. Not to sound vainglorious but all us single women know you kiss a-MANY of frogs in hopes to finally kiss your prince...

So there may be a day I will be able to call him by name, but who knows, maybe I already have... Who you ask? SP nor her girls will ever tell but my heart knows. :) --SP

Lessons from a single girl's playbook

So I have had many conversations with men and lady friends alike and I have noticed that there are many-- many, many women out here over 30 who are operating without the rules, plays, and strategies of the "Get 'em single girl" playbook. Or if women have one, it is in serious need of some updating and modifying-- for real, you think that the "give 'em a little and take it back" strategy still works in your 30's??? Ah, yeah sit down sweetie and read a little of this blog... :P

So what are the rules, plays, and strategies? Well there are several...many are classics but somewhere, somehow we lost our minds between watching a little too much Oprah, reading too much Essence (yeah, I said it and will be addressed another time), and huddling around our well-intentioned but sometimes misguided girlfriends... but I have already discussed this last point before in my Accessory blog #8 so let's move on... :)

Playbook Lesson #39: Learn to love a sport. Any who know me knows I would vote for football. Listen lady friends, I find this one of my best strategies in my playbook because literally I see men's faces light up when I have a better than a"Ooo he's too fine" opinion about the game. Now in my very feminine ways I don't propose that you become one of the guys, take one to the head, and sit like you got a sock in your pants while enjoying the game... He still wants you to be a girl and men (just like we do) want someone who is genuinely interested in someting they enjoy. Also men know when you are just in the football mix to be seen (men are at least this perceptive). I can't stand going to a sports bar where women seem to be there for the love of football but it's obvious they have other intentions as they have walked by the same group of men four times during one tv time out.

So I am going to give you SP's little trick here... If you go and actually WATCH the game in cute but very subdued attire (but no need to shed the heels), sit (preferrably alone if you got the balls chill alone), and oh here is the clincher... act NORMALLY, I promise the men will come. And better yet when he strikes up a conversation and (Oh! this is the best) you kind of ignore or press pause on him for one second while you listen to the commentators play-by-play, he will eat that crap up! Why? Because he and other men will realize that at this point they aren't the center of your attention and every man wants to be the center of a woman's attention... Therefore it's a chall-ange!

Playbook lesson #27: A "connection" to a man means squat! Now hear me out... Don't get this confused with attraction. I believe this is very important in a dating relationship but how many times have you (me included) have fallen trap to the "He is a GREAT guy... We have this amazing connection to each other and I know he feels it too on some deep, personal, spiritual, personal, deep, for real kinda of way... he gets me and I get him"... Hogwash, I say! The connection thing is SUCH a trap because here you are planning, dreaming, and building expectations on some kind of relationship that, let's a pregnant pause here, .... only exists in your head.

Let's leave "connection" BS alone and while we're at it, let's stop banking on potential (Whew lawd, if we left these alone it would easily wipe out about 75% of our dating life) and throw back the "catches", especially the ones who are self-indulgent-loving that he is loved by many... (I promise this ego comprises about 85% of the men who live in the A who many have attended a certain university... Not saying any names). :)

We have become so worried about keeping this with a man rather than doing what I think is one of the most important lessons any single girl's playbook....

Playbook lesson #1. Single ladies this is a must... Always, ALWAYS Keep a stallion in your stable (Thanks JM for this phrase). Every time, I mean EVERY TIME I talk to a girl friend who finally gets a man coming around, staying around on a consistent basis she let's all of her other stallions in her stable loose. It's one of the biggest mistakes a single lady can make. We get someone and we immediately take our names out of the dating pool. But I know, you feel that to do this would be deceitful. It's not deceit, it's proper single girl form (In my hauty-boogie voice) to keep a-few, especially if you're over 30. Besides, he ain't your man... my premise is you're still single until you're married. Let me tell you why...

For one, he still got his cookies in the closet; don't ever think a man is so tied up with you that he ain't found a 25th hour in a day. Two, when there is more than one in your stable, you won't run into playbook lesson #27 above--- connecting overly so when it's not time to do so. And finally three, if your main thoroughbred leaves, it ain't a worse feeling of not having another stallion in your stable when you're ready to ride... And there it is. :P

So ladies, if you've just crossed the 30 threshold and you're still in the single game, make sure your playbook is up-to-date and in good working order... Remember, this aint about getting your husband, it's about living the most fabulous single life until you do-- SP

Lackluster Leon... He wasn't so bad was he???

Recently I was perusing facebook and looking at the pages of some of my former suitors: "Married", "Fido and the Mrs.", "Me and Lil' Man"... it was becoming glaringly obvious with each facebook-homey-lover-former-friend that many of them had moved up and onward. Oh and what is my latest update on facebook??? "Shane and lil' Rosie at yorkie play date".

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I am feeling some kind of way about the current state of affairs in my life or the lives of lovers past... if for no other reason I'm just salty that there is nothing left in my recycle bin. And if you have to ask... yes, every 30+ single girl has rummaged through her recycle-ables a time or two... It's like revitalizing an old outfit; it's a comfortable fit, already hanging in your closet and you know how to wear it (What was that dress called? The Green Monster?! Got a lot of wear outta that one girl!) :P

No but seriously, what it really got me thinking about was some of my dating past and present and the multitude of conversations I have had about the "No spark Steves" and "Can't flirt Frankies" where their credentials were great on paper... fabulous even with their now high-falutin' careers, mild-mannerisms, and on top of that--- just plain "nice". The family (if there was some accidental chance the fam got an introduction) thought he was such a "Christian-fine-young-man" and always seems to be brought up at every family function, "Whatever happen to that "Christian-fine-young-man", what's his name... you know the one we liked so much ?" And I'm sitting there thinking, "The one I could never muster the strength to accept a goodnight kiss??? Oh yeah Granny, he's works up on Wall Street, gotten married, and has a child on the way"... (Dear reader, you DON'T have to tell me of my foolish apprehension with that one... my Granny reminds me that my young tender-ness is fading with each and every birthday where I have to remind her just how old I am without a husband and kids).

So as I am gazing at the facebook pics, I have to ask myself-- he wasn't so bad was he? Why wasn't I the least bit attracted to him? I can't believe I told him to kiss me on my cheek... quickly... in the far corner booth... of that obscure restaurant off of Krog Street...

But then I realize that sometimes we can't help who we are attracted to when we are attracted to them. There are a lot of great guys out there but I realized they aren't all meant for me nor I for them. But as I have gotten older, I slowly removed my pre-conceive-list-of-definites that were defined at a time when I thought I had love figured out-- And what I started to notice was I began to see the man in front of me for what he was and what he brought... sometimes love may look a little lackluster in the beginning especially when we only look for it through our rose-colored (but often times highly delusional) glasses. BUT when we give it a chance, just a small chance, something pheonomenal could be waiting on the other side of that kiss... I think a few of you lady-readers can contest to that. :)

So lately, my love life is as such that I haven't had the opportunity to find what's on the other side of that kiss but until then... to all the Lackluster Leon's of the world? Plant one on me ! --- SP

SP is back with her spring time hawk! (The 1st tenant in the single girl covenant)

I know, I know I've been missing for awhile from my latest tangents of being 30 and flirty but it's been for good reasons. As you all know, old man winter hit the A pretty hard these past few months, so I did what any single girl would do... found a winter-beau to boo. :P

Needless to say, the girlfriend outings and conversations took to the background for a spell (some of them found their winter-beaus too) and so "30, Flirty, Thursdays" took a step back these past few weeks... My girls all understood and excercised what all of us single girls have oathed to each other and to ourselves... That is nothing (including my beloved 30 Flirty) comes before the 2nd tenant of the single girl covenant:

"Whereas we are of single status in the 30+ box, of low tolerance for foolery, but have learned that the good ones aren't as plentiful for the choosin'; Wherefore if you got a good one to be with, go forth... us said girlfriends will be here if he stays or goes, but more importantly, we shall be waiting for the details". :)

Now of course this tenant has more language to it that asserts that you can have a beau AND still be you, have girlfriends, and have your own individual interests, blah blah blah. So don't be mistaken to think that we condone dropping your entire life, as there is another tenant that states, "Whereas you have lost your d**n mind and as a result can no longer recongize foolery, us said girlfriends will snatch your a$$ up and address this directly"... I'm sure this isn't the exact language in the single girl covenant but this is how I can best remember it to keep myself straight. LOL.

So with THAT being said, SP is back to writing her 30 Flirty thoughts. And what I've been thinking is that while mother nature is taking her time presenting her springtime beauty and the ends of our lenten sacrifices are near, her tardiness has actually been a small gift in disguise for us single ladies... Why? Because it has given us additional time to get the 1st and ultimate tenant in order:

"Whereas we are of single status of 30+ and time is a tickin'; and whereas we live in the A, the plentiful land of single women; Wherefore, always be of preparation, perfection, and positioning of your hawk".

That's right, it's time for SP and her girl crew to get their 2009 spring time hawk together. And for those who may not know about the "hawk", it simply is a woman's ability to exude confidence and sophistication with personal style in this here dating game... or to be succint and be of the latest urban language trend, it's the female's swagger. So why is it called the hawk? Long story. Another time. LOL

So what is it that we need to prepare, perfect, and position? Well, there are several and too many things to name here as each probably warrants its own blog (Did I just create a 30 flirty spring blog series?). But as I told one of my "Charlotte-type" girlfriends, if you want a "him" when it's time to go "there", the coy-shy "I'm waiting for him to call me" is not what's in this season. On the other hand, neither is the "No! I don't wanna dance with you" bourgie, pissy stance that sometimes is the result of an overzealous, overexerted hawk. :P

So I've been talking to some of my girls and (and need to consult my Boy BFFs soon... you two been taken cover from old man winter too, I see) about the single girls' 1st tenant and revamping the hawk for the 2009 spring season. I've been throwing some theories around and I think it's time to test them out. So stay posted... I'll share my findings and my girls' spring adventures soon as they will be so gracious in trying out some of my theories... So y'all ready?! :) -- SP

The Lost Art of "Conversate-ing"

So...

My girls have expressed to me their opinions about text messaging and dating and they all feel pretty much the same way...

It is the quietus to real conversations with the opposite sex.

Yep, text messaging is the effectual end to communication in vivo. My girls' grievance (and it's a big one) is that men have lost their courtship ability to pick up the phone and actually participate in a thoughtful and meaningful conversation on the telephone line. It becomes annoying after the first two interchanges of text because at this point in my girls' minds it's, "We are both sitting at home... doing nothing... by ourselves... flipping channels... there can't be any better time than this to pick up the phone and have this conversation". And then if she attempts to call (which is rare by the way), he doesn't answer... But oh! What a minute... here's another text message from him five minutes later asking, "What is your favorite color?" LOL!

One of my male friends laughed when I told him about this communication conundrum that happens in the dating world. He tells me, "Well you know why men do this, right? It mitigates rejection, especially early in the dating game". And I say, "Well as long as a man knows that this texting behavior can also el-i-mi-nate that first date".

Why? Well, the problem with text messaging as a form of communication when getting to know someone is that... you really can't get to know them. And it is an apparently weak way of trying to get at a woman. Although text messages can and maybe should have its place in the communication exchange, it still can be a fallible way of conveying a point, a flirt, or a great first meet up because it leaves a lot of room for the recipient to interpret your message. Like, let's say a text that reads, "I would luv 2 see TGA hairdo. Come see me at the mall". Hmm... "TGA" does that mean "That Good A$$"? And if it does, is this his idea of flirting? He seems too comfortable using profanity without verbalizing a word. And he wants me to come to the mall? It sounds like he works there. Is this his idea of a first date? We're not in high school. How old IS he?... See where this can go?

And then I've noticed that text messaging does nothing but magnify grammar skills (and this is a big one for me). For example, because I already have a SERIOUS issue when I hear someone utter the word "conversate", it is almost a deal breaker when I see it in written form. All I do is scream at the phone, "I don't conversate, I converse, I CONVERSE!" Ugh. Another one bites the dust. LOL!

I can certainly understand my girls' points and tend to agree with them. But I have to say that all texting isn't bad. It can be quite useful actually when used in the right context and serves a specific purpose. When I think back on previous suitors, some of my best relationships and brokered deals have happened through text messaging. You know, like the dates who look better to you when they don't open their mouths and therefore, you text plan a movie date night for a blase' Saturday night. Yeah baby, no need to talk, "jst meet me at atl station. movie strts @ 7p. buy me pcorn". LOL.

And finally how can you not enjoy dirty texting? Especially in the middle of the day, while you're sitting in a boring 2-day training and then your phone buzzes with a message from your favorite friend that says, "U wanna drty txt me?" That interchange could go on for hours, get you through that long day, and then you're leaving work ready to do what you dared to text... Texting doesn't sound half bad now does it? Yeah, not sure what I was suppose to learn in training that day, but what I did learn from my textmate... Well, let's just keep that between me and AT&T. :) --SP

You Said "I Do", But Did You Really?

Okay someone explain this to me because I don't quite get it. Lately the question I have been pondering is...

You said "I Do".... but did you really?

I was having a conversation with one of my girls and the issue of facebook profiles came up. I told her that one of things I have noticed is that while there are a lot of things that men will display on their page... greek letter affiliations, current job, pics from new year's, I also noticed things that men are choosing not to put up... Oh, like their marital status. My girl says, "Yeah, it's like they are hype about the trip to Miami with the boys or homecoming hangin' out with frat, but there is nothing on their page to indicate that just last week they got married".

Isn't that just a little suspect or is it just me? I mean don't take my girl's statement literally, because there are several men on facebook that we know and know of that have been married for a while, but there ain't a hint of nothing to suggest they said, "I did".

And this issue can be extended and applied to streets of the "A" as well. I can't tell you the number of men I have met or know that, say their wedding ring got caught in the garbage disposal. And men have to know that the circles, even in the A, are small; I especially love the linesister connection ... it's is deep in this here town because I have seen a number of men get called out as they are attempting to wear their "single" shirt in the streets with a, "I know you from somewhere... what a minute, didn't you marry our soror?"And that is when he quietly clears his throat and whispers a, "Uh, I did".

So what my single friends don't get is, Why the single appearance? Do the wives know and endorse this or are they also operating with less than full disclousre? Like unless he is in some sort of arranged marriage situation, he made a conscious and sober decision to propose, and walk down the aisle to say "I do". So why the false pretense? Why do us single girls have to scope out the left hand, decipher whether the ring finger has the faint suntan line or slight indentation, and then call on the linesister police squad to verify or call his bluff?

So this is what SP contends: To the married man who knows more about what spots are the hottest, is kickin' it harder than his single boys, and as a souvenir of his night out, he got the most pics on his facebook profile surrounded by ladies cheesin', but hmmm.... there is notta one picture displayed of what should be the most important woman in his life....

Play fair, only because the single life is already hard enough and quite honestly, you made the conscious, sober decision to trade your single t-shirt for the nuptial necktie. So if you said "I do", then let me be the one to tell you, you really did. And for that reason... Well? You're single life was done! :) --SP

Special shout out to A.S. for coming up with this blog's title. I love it!

"You wanna put what in where?" And Other Things to Contemplate Giving Up

So once again, I was having girl conversation this past week with a couple of friends. As we were catching up on each other's lives, of course I had to ask about one of my friend's dating life... You know it's not to be nosy or anything but when you are in the 30+ single girl club, you always want to know if another one left you behind in the struggle...

And yep, she left me. Well almost.:) She told me that she was still seeing a guy after 3 years, was very happy, and possibly on the road to marriage. I was definitely excited for her. But she also said her happiness in this relationship wasn't without giving up some things...

I was intrigued. "Like what?", I asked. Because of course if you've made it to 30 without getting hitched, at some point you received several of the TD Jakes/Michelle McKinney Hammond, "Woman Thou Art Gonna Get Your Man: You're Well-Kept & Favored But Just be Patient a Little Longer" books. And then you wrote that "husband" list of qualities/non-negotiables you want in your mate that is dated, let's say 11/12/2002 right after you dealt with what you thought would be the last bit of foolishness of your single dating life... and that would be my story. LOL!

Well she goes on to tell me that although her man has a family business, he isn't college educated. I could definitely understand this being an issue since she is at Ph.D. status. But it got me thinking... I haven't read my "husband" list in a long time... Wonder what my qualities/non-negotiables were? And then I thought about what sorts of things my close friends and I have given up, contemplated giving up, or was asked to give up in order to trade in their single status. Some things considered may seem immaterial to some but my crew, others, and I have developed strong opinions about and at some point have had to take a closer look at what we were willing to do in some situations.

Well like, for example... Am I willing to give up the do-rag during night time play? STRONG opinions from the black girl crew that this is a downright NOT gonna happen. I mean I can understand why a man may not want their girl to come to the playground with her head wrapped and tied, but the fallback the next morning for trying to go do-ragless for the sake of sexy is quite substantial. And for real, isn't there a point when a man needs to know that fabulous-ness takes work and is mandated? (i.e. hair sylist specific instruction to maintain wrappness by all means necessary until next appointment) But I know a few who are willing to rock the ponytail or take an "L" the FIRST time, but pretty much it's a no go...Do-rags wins over sexy. Not saying it's right... but I do understand.

Can the pew boo at the church house be given up for the enthusiastic attender of Bedside Baptist? Once again, not so sure about this one especially living in the Bible belt. Church-going on Sundays is as necessary and customary as sweet tea with the Sunday meal... And you get the same ghastly reaction with immediate layin' of hands when you say you don't do either while your southern heritage is put into question (Yes, I was born and raised in NC...I am Lutheran...Yes we are Christians and it's a reputable denomination... No I don't have a church home).... But I have met some seemingly non-athieistic, know God pretty well, cool kinda guys who aren't of this southern perusasion. Why can't they get a chance? Hell, Charlotte on Sex and the City gave up Jesus to be with her man (I know, I know it's only a TV show). Good men could come in a lot of packages, sometimes of the "wayward" sorts. And Lawd knows those sittin' in the pew are often times doing the same do that the wayward do... the only difference is the wayward are just willing to admit it... and have a lot more fun doing it... At least one of my girls can contest to that. :)

Or what about what would it take to give up the tall dude for the not-so-tall dude? Believe it or not this is a HUGE issue in the A as this city is noted for the land of the 5 foot 6-ers. For my 5 foot self it's heaven because it's never an issue to find someone taller than me, even at heel height, although I have met a few of my height equivalents... And at those times I can totally understand why one of my girls, who is blessed with long legs, wants a man that she can look up to, stand on her tippy toes with, and feel enveloped by his prescence.. (although she doesn't have to worry about producing little midget children like I do if she's with her height equivalent). Lately she has relaxed her standards a bit as she proudly tells me last week, "I said yes to a date with a not-so-tall, chubby dude, but he still cute in the face. See, I'm making concessions.. but if I have to go short, I ain't given up on cuteness." (Uh, by the time this blog went to press, the not-so-tall chubby-cute-in-the-face dude got the boot... He wears FUBU... Damn.)

Or here is one.. Can "good girl status" be trumped by the "You wanna put what in where?" All I have to say about this one is that EVERY girl at one point or another has been asked to give a little more than they have been exposed to and EVERY girl has wondered if she takes it "there" will she have gone "too far" with this one or is it "too soon" to break this out and lose the good girl image. I think for everyone there is a "I've gone too far without being eternally hitched to this dude" point but you can never quite know where that is... until of course the day you're brave enough to ask your girl who responds, "They still make girls like you?"... Word?! Ok, who knew the girl I passed along my trade secrets is now my tutor? Well as I was once told, the secrets to a great teacher is to appear to have known all your life what you just learned this morning...I'm slippin'. LOL!

All I know is I have had many of conversations with my girls and it's amazing that most of them, even after crossing the 30 threshold, are holding strong to their do-rags, pew boos, and their good girl status. What I don't know is if we are holding on strong to some things that will only leave us alone in the end... As one male friend explained, "Yeah you can hold out for "that" man if you want to, but you'll be like that girl over there... Tall and alone hanging out with your virtue. Looks like happily ever after." :-!

As for me? Well I'm definitely contemplating giving up some things; not because I am settling, but becasuse I am willing to compromise... "You wanna put what in where? Well, as long as you do that with this?.... We're good!"---SP

The Single Girl's Most Critical Accessory

No, it isn't the chestnut brown Mac lipgloss, the Gucci fanny pack or Beyonce's freakum dress (although these ought to be definite accessories in your closet). You know a single girl has to always put her best face forward and have those secret weapon pieces in her wardrobe that if circumstances call for it, she can whip it out. My latest secret weapon are my new 5 inch black suede thigh-high boots. Yes 5 inches! They are fierce and I am a tall diva in them. I broke them in last weekend and they worked a number.

I digressed a little :) BUT I realized that for a long time, I have been missing the one crucial accessory that every single woman must have... The Boy BFF.

Lately, after my girl told me she has two Boy BFFs (greedy), I realized that I haven't had one in some time. My first Boy BFF was in high school. Back then, there weren't called "Boy BFFs", he was just a label-less item, but nevertheless, he was THE necessary accessory during that time. High school, especially amongst girls, can be a brutal time so he was definitely my sounding board. We used to hang out, talk about relationships, give each other advice and contrary to popular high school belief and rumor, there was not an ounce of chemistry between us. He was just that cool friend.

The Boy BFF is critical for a single girl because we need that male, no-nonsense, the non-"woo woo woo", prescence to bring the yin to our girls' yang. As my girl attempted to plan ice-skating as the first date with her latest new guy, her Boy BFF tersely responded, "And what heterosexual male did you consult with that approved ice skating?" Um, needless to say, my girl's first date will be the Hawks game... :) The Boy BFF will let you know when to love 'em or leave 'em alone. He can give that male perspective on dating, how to approach a matter or let you know when you've been "had". As a male friend of mine put it, "I can spot THAT dude because I AM THAT dude". LOL!

Now as important as my girls are, they only offer a one-sided perspective on dating and relationships and honestly, they are just as clueless as I am. It is like we are playing on a team with no offensive coordinator who has the play-calling expertise for each down--- You gotta know the other team's moves. And your girls, bless their hearts, can analyze a situation down to its atomical particles. We can talk (and I have done this) for 2 hours on a 30 second voicemail from a man that says, "Hey... Just wanted to see what's going on, hadn't talk to you in a while. Hope all is well." ---You'd be amazed at the dissertation we could create on this. Your girls mean well, but they have the potential to lead you to thinking and doing some hilarious things, co-sign on it and then later say, "that may not have been the wisest move". The Boy BFF will not even go there with you because frankly, they don't have the patience and to them, it's an exercise in futility. It is not hard facts, a problem to be solved and men like to solve something and be done. Cut throat but a good trait.

BUT! Boy BFFs have their limits too. Boy BFFs don't have intuition or at least don't know how to use it. Your girls will have that "gut feeling", when there aren't any hard and fast facts on a guy's behavior or you feel and know that something in the universe has shifted... My girl and I spotted a man's interest in her before he even knew he had it! Boy BFFs aren't equipped for this. And Boy BFFs can NEVER tell you or sense when a chic is doing some 'ol underhanded s***. You and your girls can sniff out that chic's agenda before she enters a room and utters a word, but your Boy BFF will say something foolish like, "She's seems like a cool girl"... Whatever, I got her playbook on the shelf at home.

So my quest began for a Boy BFF and after vetting 3 guys, I found him. I told him that he would be my hard-nose go-to guy for advice when I need it, but I reassured him that he will not, shan't not advise me on the latest haircut choice or this winter's fashion trend as those opinions are for my Gay Boy BFF, next season's accessory item. :) You might think I am slightly nuts but I think I am on to something because another girlfriend is thinking about getting a Boy BFF too. I told her it's the hottest item out, we can't be our fly-est without one; the women will want to know our secret and the men will be on us to their own surprise....

The Boy BFF... as critical as my 5-inch black suede thigh-high boots. If you don't already have 'em, it's a definitely must get! ---SP

Pump my gas and you can have whatever you like... It's that simple (Ode to KT)

So my close girls and I were talking about some of our past suitors and what we remembered most about them. I am not sure how we got on this conversation but anyway, what was so funny about this conversation was we were all mentioning similar moments that hit the same chord for us... It was when a man does those "little things".

We were agreeing with the "Yes girl", and the "Ooo, I like that" and "Girl, I almost fell in love with him that day". It was quite amusing. But we all agreed that when he did those "little things" what we liked most was he did them without being asked......hinted, conjoled, prodded, suggested, or even hoodwinked.

Now I nor my girls think a man ought to be a mind reader... We know a man's limits. ;) But there are these "little things" that really mount to be "big things". And when a man does these "little things" or anything without a woman saying anything, to her it is saying, without saying, that you are taking notice of her.... And when a woman feels noticed, well.... I know few women who won't have a satisfying favor in return. :)

But in my mind this idea also begs the question of whether or not a man really would think these things are important? Well frankly it doesn't matter if he thinks it is important or not, he should just obliged. Why? All I know is that doing any of these "little things" or whatever floats her boat will definitely get a man quickly to MVP status. And if you get to MVP status, well a man can probably get whatever he likes and whatever he likes is... that thing he likes. And isn't that what a man wants? -) So what are these "little things"? Well...
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1. Pump My Gas
Now I must admit that this one I have a thing for and one time had a "Battle of the Sexes" where most thought I was little forward with this one. But seriously, I just can't stand to see a dude chillin' in the passenger seat while his girl is pumping gas... Ugh! It may be a rare occassion that this will happen, but if I am driving, I think it is something nice when I pull up to the pump and the man immediately jumps out and heads to my tank. Now, I ain't saying he has to pull out his debit card in order to get the kudos; he just needs to be the one to take notice and handle it. And to me this is a simple one, because this "little thing" is laid out for him... Me, Him, My car, Low on gas, The gas station. Simple, right?

2. Take Out The Trash
I think this takes a man to really be perceptive of his surroundings... Now I'm not saying he should be going to every room and assessing the level of trash in each of my recepticles, but let's say if he is putting something in the kitchen trash can and he sees that it is full, or he notices that it is trash day in the neighborhood and the can needs to be rolled out, it would be a lovely gesture to just take care of it. A simple, but an-affirmative-I-will-handle-it question: "Looks like your trash needs to go to the curb. Where is the can?" Bam! She is loving on him.

3. Wash the Car
Now, I must say that washing a women's car will even bring the most virtuous woman to change her ways. This is probably the biggest of the "littlest things". I mean, if a man does this, at least for one of my girls, he might even get her to do "that thing" he likes. LOL. My girl called me one Saturday afternoon whispering in the phone, "SP, I am peeking out through his blinds and I saw that he finished washing his car but then... Girl! He started putting suds on my car!" Then she said, "What should I do? I feel like I need to be doing something for him". I simply said "Gurrl, get to cooking, chill a beer, start a bath, practice that new trick you been thinkng about". Needless to say, she got to cooking, chilling, and practicing. He didn't even know what was about to hit him, but I think he was a very happy man.

4. The Grocery-Bag-Bring-In
This almost falls in line with the pump my gas so I won't go in a lot detail. It is really simple. My girl talked about how important this was to her because growing up she and her mom would do the shopping but her mother NEVER lifted a finger once she got home. She didn't have to say anything to her father except "I'm home". She and her mom would come in, sip tea, and watch her father and brother directly bring 'dem groceries in the house. After they were done, my girl and her mother organize the kitchen. Needless to say, it will always be a favorable move to bring my girl's groceries in... It's in her DNA.

5. The Airport Pick-Up
Everyone knows that feeling when you leave out of town and especially that kind of lonely feeling you get when you return. I don't know why, but there is something about coming home and no one is there to greet you. BUT! when you have someone there waiting for you... yes, that's a good day. One of my girls knows this all to well because she travels quite a bit and recently she was offered a pick-up from the airport from a new suitor in her life. She felt that this gesture was definitely a step in the right direction. As for me, well I must say I reminisced about an airport pick up not to long ago and I definitely felt kind of gitty and excited... And I think he liked what he got. :)

6. Seasonal Bonus: Trim the Tree
Since it is the holidays, I think this one is a definite plus and will get the hot chocolate a bubblin'. Unfortunately I personally don't have a tree this year but if I did and the man I dated knew I had one, if he asked me if I wanted help getting it up and trimming the tree, I would definitely feel quite noticed. Now, I must say that trimming a tree may feel too "coupley" or feel too much like a proposal is near... I even told my girl to be careful trimming with a man she has only gone on 2 dates with. Don't want to overstep our steps, but it definitely is a good move to get that tree out the attic. If so, he is probably in line for that mistletoe treat.

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What really struck me most about my girlfriend chat was that when one notices the small things in a relationship, both parties win. And even in marrages, this seems to ring true. Sometimes I think men don't really know what satisfies a woman or think that satisfaction only happens in the late night. But late night satisfaction really is directly related to day time satisfaction. Unfortunately, us ladies forget to voice this and our appreciation. So it bears repeating.

Here is SP's and her girls' voices: Pump our gas, do the airport pickup, and dear lawd, if you wash our cars? You will definitely be on your way to havin' whatever you like.. It's really that simple. ... SP