The Unintended & The Unforeseen Life of the 30+ Single Girl in the A

I sometimes have to sit back and ask myself, "How in the world do my girls and I find ourselves in the craziest of dating cirsumstances???"

I mean, we're no different than any other girl crew in my estimation. We gab, drive foreign cars, enjoy a nice vino, exalt a good shoe game, pay our fare, and praise 'Em on Sunday (Ok, I've missed about... all the church goings of the year, but Jesus knows my heart) :) All we want is to date a good and normal man--- we meet them in the pew, we get the seal of approval from our married match-makers, we find them at the grocery store ...BUT! somehow, someway we've ended up in some hilarity that makes us shake our head, laugh, and say WTH??? G-T-F-O-H!

Ridiculous-ness, #1: "The Teddy Bear Traveler"
So, my girl was introduced to this dude, he seems cool. She agrees to let him pick her up (aganist her better judgement). As he opens the door, she notices a passenger strapped in the seatbelt...

What is it??? It's a teddybear.... In children's clothes. He explains that this teddy bear rides everywhere he goes (And no, in case you were thinking, it wasn't a first date gift). But OH! "Safety First". Before he could drive off, he ensured that the teddy bear was properly seatbelted and comfortable.... I mean, what do you do with that??? Ridiculous-ness... lol.

Seriously??? #2: "The Squealer---Eek Me Baby!"
Y'all... He squealed...And to give this some context, I can only come up with the comparison from Waiting to Exhale when Whitney Houston's character was with the dude that "Grr!", and she looks bewildered and says, "Grr?" back to him in a tone that emanates, "Seriously???"

Well replace "Grr!" with an "Eek!"... That's right, "Eek!"

I guess "Eek!" is what we get down here in the A.. It alludes that "Free to be Me" spirit. :P

Hilarity, #3: "Introducing The Magpie and His Frisky Feline"
This is probably the craziest situation we've seen. So [sigh]... my girl met a guy that she was diggin' on. After a few outings, she was curious that he never invited her to his house... until she got there. Y'all, he was a classified hoarder. A true magpie, like the kind you see on that A&E show. The way my girl described his place, I imagine it looked something like this...

For real?? Yeah, for real.

You want some more hilarity? In all that mess, he had the nerve to look cross-eyed when she didn't her take shoes off at the front door.

Want the GTFOH??? His cat took to his corner and masturbated... with his front paw... to completion. Dude told her it's the cat's daily ritual.

I really don't think this needs further commentary. Moving on. :P

This is what I get, #4: "Tenderoni Sends Me Swingin'"
So Tenderoni... YES, he's of legal age, sound body...but not quite of sound mind. Why? Well, he, (like every black man here in the A), has the side-gig of party promotion. Clearly, party promotion is the 2010 side hustle-equivalent of pushing women's clothing from the car trunk- No judgment though. "It's commerce, ni**a!" :)

But I digress... Anywho, so being the supportive friend that I try to be, a couple of Fridays ago, I go to one of his events. I walk in to a crowd of about---5, and I notice something quite unusual...

SP: "Wow, you all are playin' a little porn on the flat screen. Interesting".
Tenderoni: "Oh, that's typical, they swing here"
SP: [Chokes on drink], "I'm sorry but did you say swing? Are we at a swinger's club???"
Tenderoni: "Yeah, but nobody is swingin' tonight except maybe that couple over there."
SP: "Right... So you couldn't think of a better place to throw your party? I mean, a strip club could've been a better option than this."
Tenderoni: "Strip clubs are quite debaucherous, I think."
SP: "Riiiiight, and that's clearly not the tone that resonates here." [WTH?!]

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What can I say??? These are the completely unintended and the can't even begin to foresee situations we have found ourselves in the A. But hey, as I told a budding 30-flirty girlfriend, when you finally make it into my age box as a single girl, it will be rare thing that you won't have an adventure. So live it, love it, maybe you too will get invited to swing! --SP :)

Sometimes, I reach for the stars...

Yea, I admit it--- Sometimes I secretly look to what astrologers have to say about me and love....

I think we all secretly get online and check out what astrologers say about love, compatibility, and sexuality, because when it comes to relationships, everyone is looking for some solid gold answer that explains the bullets of our past and the love makings of our future. I mean how else can my girls and I explain my last date's irrational and moody behavior... "Gurrl, what's his sign???... Yep. that's an Aquarius man for you". :)

Well, this is one of many excerpts I've read about me and love. I'm thinking this is pretty valid information as one of the authors of this website abandoned her accounting degree to study astrology and designs jewelry in her free time. The other author has the ability to "just know" things. :P

So what do they tell me???

You love tenderly and compassionately...You have a sense of humor in love, but you are a very sensitive person. Harshness bothers you... Wistfulness is almost as natural to you as breathing when it comes to love. No matter how you approach other areas of your life, there is a romantic side of you. You crave making a connection with a person but prefer to "feel out" both the person and the relationship.

Everything about the way you flirt promises a lovely time. You have an elusive charm — you are sweetly playful, a little moody, and perhaps a little irregular. You can be devastatingly attractive to some people, and your charm is of a tender and soft quality. Others sense your warmth, but also some elusiveness. As much as you want to connect and share with another person, you also resist being pinned down. You prefer to enjoy a certain amount of freedom to act on your feelings, rather than through impositions...

Sometimes you attach yourself to people because you have a hard time saying "no". However, you also have a hard time pretending for any length of time. Your exit from a relationship may not always be direct and quick...

You can sometimes seem like a chameleon in your relationships. People who share time with you, if they were to exchange notes about you, would likely have a very different impression of you. You can seem like a completely different person with different people--not because you have a weak character. Because you are an emotional sponge, you pick up the needs of those around you...

You have an amazing capacity to understand people and to forgive. Just as you resist being pinned down to an absolute, a schedule, or a concrete definition, you also have a hard time drawing boundaries. In the process, however, you open yourself up to challenging situations and relationships. It is difficult for you to pass judgment on anyone in an absolute sense, as you have compassion for human failings, but sometimes it is the only way to close yourself off from a bad situation...

Pisces is the last sign of the zodiac, and it carries with it each and every sign. The right lover for you will recognize your kindness and your willingness to pick up the needs of others as signs of strength! When that special someone has touched your heart, they are rewarded with a funny, sometimes kooky, and always tender-hearted lover. The right person for you will find you absolutely delightful, intriguingly changeable, and a treasure indeed.

So basically they're saying that I'm a scatterbrained who lacks boundaries, makes bad choices with men, adorns the "I am sen-si-tive" t-shirt on a regular, is inconsistently needy, can't let go of relationships when I should, and pass bad judgments on men to get them out of my life, BUT...

I. am. adorable! (So love me anyway)... I think I can live with that. :P

--SP

The Hot Spring Single Trends of 2010

This year I decided I had to face the choice about my 30+ flirty dating life---

Either go hard or play pity-party-pissy-pants.

We all know the 30+flirty-fabulous life can get real tricky...The fix-ups, break-ups, make-ups, and belly-ups can get you into a dating rut.

But spring is finally here in the A and something is definitely in the air. So what do I do??? I spruce up my wardrobe, plaster the pleasant "get-at-me" look on my face, and increase my relevancy by finding the latest dating trends of 2010. Well.... sprucing up wasn't so hard (a wife beater, skinny jeans, and my lift-me heels will always do the trick in a crunch)... The pleasant look thing has been problematic only when my across-the-room flirts were mis-fired ("Oooo not you dude, THAT dude, yes, yes I likey you"). But here's what the latest dating advice tells me...

1. Define what you want in a relationship...Ok, ok, so I've been having a little trouble articulating this one, but I figure why can't I go about this like the Supreme Court did about obscenity???... I know it when I see it. :)

2. Assess your baggage...I got 2 carry-ons and a duffle bag, so charge me extra like Delta does. WTH? If you are 30+ and still in the game, who wouldn't have baggage??? I know I got two pairs of "dude" genes (that's what many of my Boy BFFs tell me), an extra pair of misgivings, and a lovely fragrance of "For real, that's how you wanna step to me???" But, hey I'll do my best to check them.

3. Ditch the deadline, enjoy the journey--- LOL, for real??? I don't think there is notta one 30+ single lady that can respond to this one without laughing... Let's just move on...

4. Work your network--- Clearly these dating guru folks don't live in the A. Me and my girls have recycled, exchanged, and returned to the clearance bin several times in this city. There's something to be said when your friends want to hook you up with a "fabulous guy" only to find out that it's "coupon boy" from 3 years ago>>> Just a little needed departure from my train of thought here: It goes without saying that no man ought to take a first date out on a BOGO budget... "Naw baby, we going to this restaurant here and Ima need you to order this catfish meal so I can use my coupon before it expires". But Steve Harvey says I'm single because I'm too picky. Stevie, call me what you will, but a BOGO is a "hell no". :)

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I'm sorry but this advice is not written for us 30s in mind, so I figured I would just come up with some relevant spring time single trends for 2010 of my own.

1. Don't play hard to get, just try not to get got!... I'm saying, I still don't get why the fellas think they get some enroads with me just because you gave me a very specific compliment or you remember ONE detail from our last conversation? Don't look at me squarely because I don't eat up your pleasantries especially when you think you just handed me your signature line... "I know you have a role to play and I got mine, but let's forgo them and see what can happen" It's smooth dude but believe me I've heard it before, or at least I paid attenttion to them ABC Schoolbreak Specials .

2. Don't touch anything but yourself. I just think these are just good dating words to live by, but if you follow this in a pinch, it could score you some MAJOR points. (Just joshin', just playin'... LOL).

3. Always be ready for the next one. My girl had to remind me of this one. There's no need for me to speak about your behavior for you to try to play me like my name is Sally Sausage Head. I know all about the Bait 'n' Switch game (Shout out to Sill-E thoughts on this one). The beauty of a woman is her intuition and it has been RARE that me and my girls didn't call something spot on early in the game. As I've been told, sometimes it's better to stay quiet and be thought a fool than to speak rashly and remove all doubt. I won't speak rashly but I will keep it moving... Next!

--SP

Can you hear a bullet before it hits you???

So me and my girl were chatting it up last week and of course, we started talking about our dating lives... a sorted few in particular.

"Girl, remember him??? I am so glad that we didn't work out. That new chick of his inherited a headache. I dodged that bullet like... Pwuuunnn!" (Insert quick neck shift to the left with bullet sound about here) LOL.

And so ensued an interesting back and forth banter about the number of "bullets" we have fortuitously dodged over our single years. And here I go asking...

"What about that "first love" bullet?"... All I can say about this is if I got hit by this bullet, I would be tending to a recently released convict of the NC Department of Corrections (Love you boo, but I'm sayin'...).

"And the "turned me out" bullet?"... He's the one that makes you start off every conversation with "Guuurrrrl, bye!" He is absolutely the ineffable shag in the hay.... Hell, he probably had a shag and used hay but guurl, you didn't care! He made you say yes to all requests... "You wanna put what in where???.... O-Tay." But while these dudes have some sort of savant sexual intelligence, it boggles you that basic english is insurmountable. The last time I saw this dude, he was working at Dairy Queen. If only he could blend his triple letter consonants like he did those "skr"awberry blizzards.... LOL.

The "got potential" bullet... Man, how many of THESE dudes are around??? You know, like the kind, who is intimidatingly smart, quick wit, and can argue extemporaneously the implications of anarchism as a valuable political ideology, BUT! ... works as the shift manager at Athlete's Foot . WTH??? What wrong turn did you take off the yellow brick road? :P

The "gay" bullet... Hey, it happens... To a couple of us, might I add ( And to remind you, we DO live in the gayest town in America). Thank heavens for the girls helping each other take those subtle-but-raised-right-brow signs seriously, we have avoided the flexible wrists, man gossip-teurs (a little strange when you know more about the latest Reggie Bush's pre-breakup jump off) , and the soft-convertible-two-seaters dudes (Seriously your car is gay)... But for those who know, you can't take away from their creative date night options (Wired & Fired Pottery had that sensual Swayze/Demi feel), their love of decor (They can help style up your bathroom on a $100 budget and a hook up from Targe't), and their expert knowledge of Carrie Bradshaw-esque fashion (You know about the Carrie does Vogue pin-stripe Vivienne Westwood suit??? ... Uh, let's be friends, 'kay?).

After this conversation, me and my girl had no choice but to bestow the obligatory "Wipe Me Down" move to each other. We got some of that Matrix-dodge-the-bullet-type skills! LOL... But then our conversation took an interesting turn. "You know, we didn't dodge every bullet out there. Yeah, you remember when you got hit? Did you even see it coming??? How in the world did you and I get caught up like that?"

There is always that one, the one where even here, it begs the proverbial question, "Can you hear a bullet before it hits you???" It's time for me to write about Him. --SP

Shout out to my first-letter-of-the-alphabet homie for the great conversations!

This could be a good one...

So every year after all this V-day business, my birthday comes a week later. Most of the time, I let the day do its thing, I think, "I'm glad to be here" & other birthday-like yada yada yadas, but I can usually count on my day unraveling like so...

• My mom will call at the time I was born (7:25am) and will go through the day of my birth. She will always remind me that when I was first born, she looked at me strangely and said to the doctor's, "Who is this child???" I was bald-headed and beet red.
• My brother will call and do the older brother thing, by telling me how we are getting older and other folks in our family and in the world are wasting time (Gotta get the sober reality talk from at least one person, right???:P).
• Then sometime throughout the day, my girls will call me. Someone will inevitably attempt to sing me a song, usually with a rap (I think this year it will be you, MM). I will also have to remind at least one of them how old I am and we will have to get into a conversation as to how I am oldest amongst my girlfriends in the A (but never mistaken as such). :)
• My dad will call and he will go through everyone's birthday in the family... "Your birthday is in February, your uncle is in January, then there's several birthdays in July... Your brother's birthday is July 2nd, then it's your mother's, right???, I'm September..."
• Let's see... Oh! My grandparents will call and say, "Happy Birthday, baaaaay-beee!" I will also have to tell them how old I am, my grandmother will be shocked, and wonder when I'm gonna find somebody.
• I will get a Vicky Secret birthday coupon in the mail to come and pick up my free panty.

I am very thankful for my yearly birthday line-up because I am reminded (in very unusual ways) how much I am loved... (Even the lingerie store thinks enough of me to say that I need a new set of panties for my big day). As usual, I am doing nothing over the top to celebrate, except hangin' out with some good friends, drinking the best margaritas in town, and doing some ol' skool dancing (I decided after last week's musings that margaritas are my friend).

But surprisingly, as I approach this upcoming bday with no more enthusiasm than any other bday, I keep hearing a voice that says, "Wait SP! This could be a good one"...

Ok, not big on voices (and in my profession, voices aren't really looked upon favorably), but this one has gotten me intrigued especially since it has somehow broken thru my present 30+flirty funk... Maybe this year will bring me... an answer to my latest SP life dilemnas... OR a winning lottery ticket! A job halfway across the world! A visit to "Parie"!

So, what do I do to figure out this voice's elusive message??? I go to wikipedia (LOL) and it says my forthcoming age is a natural number that represents.... the atomic number of Arsenic and is the number printed on all Rolling Rock beer... Um, not really the answer I was looking for but either which way the year goes, I hope that voice was on to something... This could be a good one. :)

--SP (the birthday girl).

My Post "Death-to-a-Single-Girl"-Blog Musings...

A couple of weeks ago two of my male friends scooped me up so we could catch up and have a couple of drinks. We went to Rare, a groovy southern tapas restaurant, that recently re-opened after a long hiatus (Glad you're back!).

It was there, after we had our first round, that we started discussing the contents of my last blog entry. Not like a couple of my girls (who interestingly are sisters) who deemed it my "Death to a Single Girl" blog (yes, I admit it was a little downbeat but I thought it showed my cynical but cute side :P ), my Boy BFFs had different take on it. The conversational exchange went something like this...

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Boy BFF#1: SP, I read your blog.

SP: Whatcha think about it?

Boy BFF#1: It was cool, but while you are writing about blahs about your single life, you don't seem to want to get married. You're picky. I don't think you really even want a boyfriend.

SP: Um...

Boy BFF#2: True.

SP: LOL, Whatever dudes.

Boy BFF#1: Seriously, do you want to be in a relationship???

SP: Well... see, I don't...

Boy BFF#1: You know what SP??? You're happy with a maintenance man, you know someone who can come through, "tighten things up" and then you send them on your way. You don't want them to be a part of the interwovens of your life.

Boy BFF#2: Boo-yah!

SP: No, I do want a partner... of some sort.

Boy BFF#1: SP, what do you want?

SP: Well, uh... see it's like... I want... you know...

Boy BFF #1: SP, easy question, what do you want???

SP: (In my less flustered trying to pull it together), Well, what I want is... (yet another pause)

Boy BFF#1: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

SP: (Trying to scrape for scraps, I blurt), I want love!

Boy BFF#2: Boooooo! Love had me on the hood of a Kia Spectra last night (uh, true event here).

Boy BFF#1: SP, for real, that's all you got???

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I kinda even stunned myself with my shoddy, sub-par response. "I want love???"... Sounds like a throw back from my twenty-somethings. :P

But I must admit, this dialogue hung out in my head for a minute. I couldn't get the fact out of my mind that I, SP of sound mind, body, and 30+ years to boot, could not intelligibly answer this simple question... What do I want?

I started to think about my latest musings, my last writing, and the present state of affairs of my life. After reading my last blog, on the surface it may sound like a 30-flirty-single girl who is ready to turn in her single girl passport for marriage citzenship. But most who really know me know that I have never been that simple... nor that "Matt Lauer" glib to think that the cure for my latest single girl blues is matrimony, a boyfriend, or even a Friday night date in the A.

Rather, I think my "Death to a Single Girl" blog is more of the rantings and ravings of a 30+ single girl in the A who forgot that she's been given the gift of time to craft out the exact kind of life she wants (and most assuredly needs). And I must say here, I thank "the good" that looks out for me in this universe for this gift because I am pretty sure left up to me, I would have f'd some things up and over if I got what I want when I wanted it.

But as for now, my thoughts say that maybe Boy BFF is right. When I looked up the official job duties, maybe I do want the maintenance-sort of man (Not a bad gig, right??? LOL). But maybe I am right too....I want "love" (whatever that is). Who knows, maybe these two seemingly opposing life choices can co-exist. So until I figure out this conundrum, onto my musings au courant: Margaritas... Friend or Foe??? :) --SP

Can I be upfront and honest???

It's been a long while since I blogged--- about 4 months actually. And I could easily contribute my hiatus to being busy or the holidays getting me caught up, yada, yada, yada... But if I were to be completely upfront and honest, my little intermission was essentially due to not having one single upbeat and flirty idea to talk about. In reality, my 30, flirty so fabulous single life had hit an all time low.

I usually have some funny and heartening story to share to bring in the much anticipated weekends... But instead of my usual SP's-single-girl-playbook-strategies and the optimistic pledges-to-say -"I do"-to-singlehood commentaries, I was coming up with titles like "How to Stay Sober When You Know Your Life Sucks" or "Misery in the "A"... The "A" can kick rocks!" (The way I'm feeling, these titles may still make the rotation, LOL.)

It's really been a sad state of affairs. First, "bad" started when I had a string of uninspiring dates. "Worse" happened when I realized that I hadn't had sex in several months and guess what everybody??? --- I really didn't care (seriously, has anyone seen my mojo?). Then my single fabulous self took a nose dive when my gyne looked panicked-stricken when I told him I was 30 (plus some) and hadn't had a baby and there's no one in my life to GET me pregnant. My gyne looked at me as if I was a dating underachiever and quickly prescribed me some "relations" for the new year (Yes, he actually said "relations"). The final call was when I caught myself telling an ex-beau a half-truth that I was seeing someone fabulous, when all I was seeing was my future single self drowning in a sea of tragic statistics-- 1.8 million more black women than men; Elimiate the gay, the married, the already dated, the non-commital types, this leaves me with about 2, that's right 2 men that are preferrable to date.

Not like I haven't had a period of single life ho-hums, but for some reason this time I was lost. I wasn't so sure if I had the kind of bounce back of my 20's where you can shake off the bad dates, break open your "case of emergency, shag in the glass", leave the heartbreaks behind, and pull out the freak 'em dress on a Thursday night to catch a few new boos. When you turn the 30 curve, 90% of dates are bad, shag in a glass is married (although still calling... WTH???), heartbreaks hurt worse, and freak 'em dresses look desperate and frankly, you gotta get up for the a.m. work roll call--on time-- because your bills are real... I couldn't bear to myself that my feisty single idealisms of my 20s had converted into peevish cynicism in my 30s.

But during this trek, I have come to understand this whole single thing... Sometimes the ride is amazing, great friends, a sense of freedom, and anticipation of what is to come. But sometimes it sucks. Freedom feels like I'm without direction, there is nothing in the foreseeable future to anticipate, and in truth it just gets lonely sometimes where a girlfriend won't do. But, with each new day brings... who am I kidding? No happy wrap up here. When you come to a certain age, it just takes too much energy to make the bullisht up and truthfully... it's my blog and I can stay cynically peevish if I want to. :) --SP