What's with single women and their dogs???

It was funny because not too long ago, I was having small talk with a guy who said to me...

"Why does every single black woman I meet have a dog?"

I kind of chuckled at his question but then I realize he was asking it out of seriousness, like he felt some kind of way about this truth that is increasingly prevalent amongst us single ladies.

Yes, I have a dog and her name is Rosie. She's a cute, fiesty little thing, just shy of 4lbs. I got her when she was 6 weeks old right when I was finishing up my graduate work and moving to the A. Most know that I love her dearly and while she is sometimes inconveniently spoiled, I wouldn't trade her for anything.

Now when this guy asked this rhetorical question and the way in which he did, I initially felt like I received some sort of a penalty dating point me... I'm thinking, "SP got all this fabulousness and he can't seem to get pass the fact that I have a dog???" I was taken aback but then this wasn't the first time this was a source of contention for men pursuers in my world.

How did I respond??? Well, I simply said...

Some of us single ladies have dogs, but no matter how strong and independent I may be, at the end of the day I desire companionship--- consistent companionship, loving companionship. And while this isn't difficult for a dog, I have come to find that the male species have failed plenty of times to offer me the same (Mmm hmm I said it). Do you really think you can mosey on in here and say something about my dog and the only thing you have given me is a coke and a smile??? Get outta here, sucka! :0

Now let's be clear about something... Don't confuse SP with the crazy dog lady (we all know one) whose life is completely devoted to her puppy dogs and would prefer them over a lovely evening with a man. I was amazed at the number of 40ish year old single women at Rosie's play dates that were acting a little "extra" with their dogs... "Your dog has a high chair???" Yeah, I can't co-sign on this behavior and I need to go ahead and revoke my membership. lol

But in case you're still wondering what's with single women and their dogs??? Get a clue, take a lesson, buy a book, read a letter... For the majority of us single ladies with a dog, we simply just enjoy having one. Period. And if any man knows about a woman's spirit, it's in our nature to nurture (fur babies, our own babies, and yes, a deserving man too) until the job is done. I think if a man is smart enough, he would be able to see how valuable an asset this is in a woman and it is to him. But maybe you just don't have a clue. --SP

SP Can Play That Game!

So this past week, I have been having a conversation with one of my girlfriends and she told me she recently was given some motherly advice... Because she was having some difficulty with the man she was dating, she was advised to implement the "21-day pause".

Not to get into the details of what the "21-day pause" necessitates (that would be a blog in and of itself), we both were chuckling at the idea that her mom had some dating games from circa 1969 that she guaranteed would get the results we wanted. "The 21-day pause is timeless!"

Well, I immediately bit onto the idea. I felt like with her mother's prescription, we were unearthing an oldie but goodie fad, like the Dick Gregory Bahamian diet... I thought this could work like a charm.

I said, "We should do it". In my mind it was for no other reason than to test out her mother's theory to see if this dating woe technique could reap the benefits, to see if my girlfriend would really bite my bait, AND… to see if I could get a good blog out of it... Needless to say, my girl was too smart for all my foolishness. :P

But my girlfriend and I have had countless conversations about this and have constantly debated… Why all the game playing?

Now, you probably figured out what side of the fence I was on based on my enthusiastic response to "the pause". But it even makes me cringe a little to even write the words "game playing" because it conjures up such bad connotations and I feel like you (the reader) will turn on me and won't read anymore of this blog...

But read me out here... :) My girlfriend thinks all the game playing is completely unnecessary and I agree with her and after contemplating our many conversations, I believe this is my take... If the "game playing" is authentic then in essence... it isn't game playing. See, being "hard to get" because indeed you are "hard to get" due to living the life you want, choosing the interactions you want, and selecting the suitors you want to be with, then it is no longer a game. It's real. Implementing the "21-day pause" if you will, by articulating what is given is not what is needed is demonstrating that you truly believe in your own happiness and your ability to get what you desire in your relationships. I maybe wrong but my thinking is once that him experiences this, he will either shape up... or ship the h$ll on! :P

In my new decade of living, I've learned if I "play" anything, then it becomes only about me getting the pay off (i.e., the relationship, the ring, the marriage)--- I think at this point in my life, I don't want something just to have something and just to say to the world I got something. Rather, let me work on my 30+ life, that's fun, flirty, and fabulous- a life that I can only dream of having but I am working my butt off every day to make it my reality... Yeah, now THAT'S the game I think I can play!--SP

For Better or For Worse, I Say I Do.

Now I know if you're 30+, fabulous, and single, you have gotten THE proverbial question from you're married friends, cousins, and grandmas more than you care to remember...

"So... SP why aren't YOU married yet?"

I know they mean well when I get asked this question and they are innocently curious, although sometimes I see the faces that have pinned me as the culprit to my luckless single life and the real question is "What's wrong with YOU?" :P... But it's funny to me that although I have been hit and reminded of my quizzical single status, I am always caught a little off guard. I have to think to myself, "Which spiel will I give them today?" Do I give them the sob story and recant "The Black in America, I should just slice my wrist" statistics which usually generates a bunch of head nods and "Girl, keep your head up". OR do I just hit 'em with the "Down Low Fad" describing it like it's a plague running rampant amongst the single in the A (which isn't so far from the truth). That one I find is usually an immediate stop to the conversation with my Granny... "They fruity like that, baby???" Lol, yeah Granny they that fruity.

But seriously, the honest SP answer is... I don't know why I am not married yet and I don't know the fate of my single life... It may end in a happily ever after situation OR it may blow up in smoke and I resort to being some weird chick that writes a blog of my next decade entitled, "40 Despondent Fridays". You know who's to say and at this point isn't half the fun watching as my life unfolds??? I say just pull up a chair and a glass of wine and follow how this chapter in my life ends for me.

So as my girlfriends are slyly trying to cook up hook ups in the hopes that MAYBE, just MAYBE he is the one (Yes T, I'm talking about you and will be going triple date bowling with all my fabulousness :P) ... I will go along and be open to any possibility that may present itself...

BUT my resolve about my single life and its future is to say... It will happen with the one I am suppose to be with when it happens. I am not trying to work at it, force it, or circumvent it. For better or for worse, I say I do to being happily satisfied with singlehood until "the one" makes himself plain and clear. --SP

The SP Single Girl's Bucket (Scratch that) Fcuket List

We all have done it... "Before I turn 30 I will have gotten my terminal degree, bought a house, and procured a husband with 1 kid and 1 on the way"... Remember??? Yeah, I wrote this when I was 23 and if I were tested on such a dream I would have scored a--- 1 out of 4.

We all have these "Before I {fill in the blank}, I will have accomplished {fill in another blank}" what I have found that usually we are very creative in thinking that this blank filler will be that one profound, life changing experience and moment, but really what most often happens is it leaves me with emotions and behaviors that I am sure are a diagnosable mental disorder and an newly acquired wine drinking habit...

So since I and some my girls haven't yet fulfilled the marriage and 2.2 kids part of "Before I turn 30 bucket list", I figured let me embrace singledom and come up with my Single Girl Fcuket List. You know a list of flirty-aganist-your-momma's-rules things that you've always wanted to admit, do, or let go of. Fine, we got those other list that keep us on the straight and narrow path but let's throw some cautions to the wind, create a new list that says...

"FCUKET, I'm a...."

1. Admit that I really don't know how to cook. I know, it like I just spit on my southern girl roots and practically eliminating all chances (according to my grandma's marriage playbook) of getting that husband and 2.2 kids. But at this 30 and up age, I don't know if I give a flying flip anymore. I have a lot of other positive attributes like being flirty... and sometimes a little dirty, so shouldn't that make up for my lack of culinary skills in the kitchen??? If I must, the key is having the resources at your fingertip.. And that will be grandma on speed dial, a Rachel 30 minute meal on TIVO and if all else fails, I know Whole Foods has an incredible wasabi chicken dish and I have the incredible casserole dish to put it in :)

2. Stop fakin' it--How many times have you been in this predicament? Especially with the ones who make their mission to get you over. And it's hard to not praise hard work and effort right? ("Woo, woo, woo baby that was... a treat.") But ladies, if you haven't already, it's time to take charge of our O. At this point in my life, I'm too old to be pretending (although sometimes it is skill worth preserving to use when there's a sex emergency), too young to be missing out, and there are too MANY guys thinking they got the magic stick... It's time to let them know and let them put in the same amount of work that we do... That's right, it's not called a "job" for nothing sweetie.

3. Flirt with Pastor Mo... Oh, that wasn't very Christian like was it? Fcuket, I mean I'm saying he's newly divorced and very single. Pastor needs to have fun too. Heyyyy Pastor, nice message today. :P

4. Have amazing, mind-blowing meaningless sex... with a foreigner... on vacation (of course with all the CDC's recommendations in my back pocket). No harm no foul right?, especially since men do it all the time but the difference between them and us ladies is that we know the rules... It NEVER counts if it's a one time encounter, OR it's outside the continental US of A, OR it's with someone who's last name escapes you... So with in mine, I am covered by "The Rules" three times over which means I can subtract 3 has beens with this one encounter... Hey, I think this is my best fcuket yet... literally. LOL

And finally,

5. Buy the Rabbit- Now THIS will be the profound change in your life you have been looking for... At least this is what I've been told. :P

--SP (So what's on your fcuket list?)

Will I ever call him by name?

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet?"

Nope. Sorry dear Juliet but in THIS millenium when you are over 30, single, and are very much in the dating world, a rose by any other name puts Romeo in his place.

Sizzler, The Wayward Rev, Dr. Do-little, Ever Ready, Teacher Friend, Corporate, Young Thing, -- and the list goes on of the names my girls and I have coined for the many dates of our lives. (Oh Beau, you wanna know which thou art you? Take a guess.) :)

At first my girls and I conferred these beloved pseudonyms for the pure fun and amusement and sometimes for nothing else, to laugh to keep from crying over single girl dating drama... "Sizzler?"... because he thought the hot date was taking a woman to the Western Sizzler... "Two Foo?" came from a girls v. boys Taboo game where correct pronunciation wasn't considered necessary by the male team. (It's Tofu dude, Tofu!) LOL... "Ever Ready?", well what can I say, that man was ALWAYS ready." :P

Then I began to wonder would Summer Lover, Bobblehead, or Mystery Man take offense to our naming ceremonies... but then I figured nahhhh, men do it too as my crew is affectionately known by some in the A as The Hens, guest starring, No Strings, The Doctor, Freckles & Dark Cloud... Yes, I know this whole idea may sound silly to you and often times it was us being silly gabbing about our single lives... ("You're dating a 25 year old slickster dude who works as a mortician?! Ah, and he would be The Undertaker")... But at some unknown turning point, bestowing pseudonyms became part of the dating rite of passage that most men had to pass through, especially the ones that had a chance with us. I think it helped us create a peculiar but necessary emotional distance from them while caught in the web of dating. So to finally call the "him" I'm seeing by name amongst the girls is a symbolic moment in that he finally earned a place and space in my life. Not to sound vainglorious but all us single women know you kiss a-MANY of frogs in hopes to finally kiss your prince...

So there may be a day I will be able to call him by name, but who knows, maybe I already have... Who you ask? SP nor her girls will ever tell but my heart knows. :) --SP

Lessons from a single girl's playbook

So I have had many conversations with men and lady friends alike and I have noticed that there are many-- many, many women out here over 30 who are operating without the rules, plays, and strategies of the "Get 'em single girl" playbook. Or if women have one, it is in serious need of some updating and modifying-- for real, you think that the "give 'em a little and take it back" strategy still works in your 30's??? Ah, yeah sit down sweetie and read a little of this blog... :P

So what are the rules, plays, and strategies? Well there are several...many are classics but somewhere, somehow we lost our minds between watching a little too much Oprah, reading too much Essence (yeah, I said it and will be addressed another time), and huddling around our well-intentioned but sometimes misguided girlfriends... but I have already discussed this last point before in my Accessory blog #8 so let's move on... :)

Playbook Lesson #39: Learn to love a sport. Any who know me knows I would vote for football. Listen lady friends, I find this one of my best strategies in my playbook because literally I see men's faces light up when I have a better than a"Ooo he's too fine" opinion about the game. Now in my very feminine ways I don't propose that you become one of the guys, take one to the head, and sit like you got a sock in your pants while enjoying the game... He still wants you to be a girl and men (just like we do) want someone who is genuinely interested in someting they enjoy. Also men know when you are just in the football mix to be seen (men are at least this perceptive). I can't stand going to a sports bar where women seem to be there for the love of football but it's obvious they have other intentions as they have walked by the same group of men four times during one tv time out.

So I am going to give you SP's little trick here... If you go and actually WATCH the game in cute but very subdued attire (but no need to shed the heels), sit (preferrably alone if you got the balls chill alone), and oh here is the clincher... act NORMALLY, I promise the men will come. And better yet when he strikes up a conversation and (Oh! this is the best) you kind of ignore or press pause on him for one second while you listen to the commentators play-by-play, he will eat that crap up! Why? Because he and other men will realize that at this point they aren't the center of your attention and every man wants to be the center of a woman's attention... Therefore it's a chall-ange!

Playbook lesson #27: A "connection" to a man means squat! Now hear me out... Don't get this confused with attraction. I believe this is very important in a dating relationship but how many times have you (me included) have fallen trap to the "He is a GREAT guy... We have this amazing connection to each other and I know he feels it too on some deep, personal, spiritual, personal, deep, for real kinda of way... he gets me and I get him"... Hogwash, I say! The connection thing is SUCH a trap because here you are planning, dreaming, and building expectations on some kind of relationship that, let's a pregnant pause here, .... only exists in your head.

Let's leave "connection" BS alone and while we're at it, let's stop banking on potential (Whew lawd, if we left these alone it would easily wipe out about 75% of our dating life) and throw back the "catches", especially the ones who are self-indulgent-loving that he is loved by many... (I promise this ego comprises about 85% of the men who live in the A who many have attended a certain university... Not saying any names). :)

We have become so worried about keeping this with a man rather than doing what I think is one of the most important lessons any single girl's playbook....

Playbook lesson #1. Single ladies this is a must... Always, ALWAYS Keep a stallion in your stable (Thanks JM for this phrase). Every time, I mean EVERY TIME I talk to a girl friend who finally gets a man coming around, staying around on a consistent basis she let's all of her other stallions in her stable loose. It's one of the biggest mistakes a single lady can make. We get someone and we immediately take our names out of the dating pool. But I know, you feel that to do this would be deceitful. It's not deceit, it's proper single girl form (In my hauty-boogie voice) to keep a-few, especially if you're over 30. Besides, he ain't your man... my premise is you're still single until you're married. Let me tell you why...

For one, he still got his cookies in the closet; don't ever think a man is so tied up with you that he ain't found a 25th hour in a day. Two, when there is more than one in your stable, you won't run into playbook lesson #27 above--- connecting overly so when it's not time to do so. And finally three, if your main thoroughbred leaves, it ain't a worse feeling of not having another stallion in your stable when you're ready to ride... And there it is. :P

So ladies, if you've just crossed the 30 threshold and you're still in the single game, make sure your playbook is up-to-date and in good working order... Remember, this aint about getting your husband, it's about living the most fabulous single life until you do-- SP

Lackluster Leon... He wasn't so bad was he???

Recently I was perusing facebook and looking at the pages of some of my former suitors: "Married", "Fido and the Mrs.", "Me and Lil' Man"... it was becoming glaringly obvious with each facebook-homey-lover-former-friend that many of them had moved up and onward. Oh and what is my latest update on facebook??? "Shane and lil' Rosie at yorkie play date".

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I am feeling some kind of way about the current state of affairs in my life or the lives of lovers past... if for no other reason I'm just salty that there is nothing left in my recycle bin. And if you have to ask... yes, every 30+ single girl has rummaged through her recycle-ables a time or two... It's like revitalizing an old outfit; it's a comfortable fit, already hanging in your closet and you know how to wear it (What was that dress called? The Green Monster?! Got a lot of wear outta that one girl!) :P

No but seriously, what it really got me thinking about was some of my dating past and present and the multitude of conversations I have had about the "No spark Steves" and "Can't flirt Frankies" where their credentials were great on paper... fabulous even with their now high-falutin' careers, mild-mannerisms, and on top of that--- just plain "nice". The family (if there was some accidental chance the fam got an introduction) thought he was such a "Christian-fine-young-man" and always seems to be brought up at every family function, "Whatever happen to that "Christian-fine-young-man", what's his name... you know the one we liked so much ?" And I'm sitting there thinking, "The one I could never muster the strength to accept a goodnight kiss??? Oh yeah Granny, he's works up on Wall Street, gotten married, and has a child on the way"... (Dear reader, you DON'T have to tell me of my foolish apprehension with that one... my Granny reminds me that my young tender-ness is fading with each and every birthday where I have to remind her just how old I am without a husband and kids).

So as I am gazing at the facebook pics, I have to ask myself-- he wasn't so bad was he? Why wasn't I the least bit attracted to him? I can't believe I told him to kiss me on my cheek... quickly... in the far corner booth... of that obscure restaurant off of Krog Street...

But then I realize that sometimes we can't help who we are attracted to when we are attracted to them. There are a lot of great guys out there but I realized they aren't all meant for me nor I for them. But as I have gotten older, I slowly removed my pre-conceive-list-of-definites that were defined at a time when I thought I had love figured out-- And what I started to notice was I began to see the man in front of me for what he was and what he brought... sometimes love may look a little lackluster in the beginning especially when we only look for it through our rose-colored (but often times highly delusional) glasses. BUT when we give it a chance, just a small chance, something pheonomenal could be waiting on the other side of that kiss... I think a few of you lady-readers can contest to that. :)

So lately, my love life is as such that I haven't had the opportunity to find what's on the other side of that kiss but until then... to all the Lackluster Leon's of the world? Plant one on me ! --- SP