You Said "I Do", But Did You Really?

Okay someone explain this to me because I don't quite get it. Lately the question I have been pondering is...

You said "I Do".... but did you really?

I was having a conversation with one of my girls and the issue of facebook profiles came up. I told her that one of things I have noticed is that while there are a lot of things that men will display on their page... greek letter affiliations, current job, pics from new year's, I also noticed things that men are choosing not to put up... Oh, like their marital status. My girl says, "Yeah, it's like they are hype about the trip to Miami with the boys or homecoming hangin' out with frat, but there is nothing on their page to indicate that just last week they got married".

Isn't that just a little suspect or is it just me? I mean don't take my girl's statement literally, because there are several men on facebook that we know and know of that have been married for a while, but there ain't a hint of nothing to suggest they said, "I did".

And this issue can be extended and applied to streets of the "A" as well. I can't tell you the number of men I have met or know that, say their wedding ring got caught in the garbage disposal. And men have to know that the circles, even in the A, are small; I especially love the linesister connection ... it's is deep in this here town because I have seen a number of men get called out as they are attempting to wear their "single" shirt in the streets with a, "I know you from somewhere... what a minute, didn't you marry our soror?"And that is when he quietly clears his throat and whispers a, "Uh, I did".

So what my single friends don't get is, Why the single appearance? Do the wives know and endorse this or are they also operating with less than full disclousre? Like unless he is in some sort of arranged marriage situation, he made a conscious and sober decision to propose, and walk down the aisle to say "I do". So why the false pretense? Why do us single girls have to scope out the left hand, decipher whether the ring finger has the faint suntan line or slight indentation, and then call on the linesister police squad to verify or call his bluff?

So this is what SP contends: To the married man who knows more about what spots are the hottest, is kickin' it harder than his single boys, and as a souvenir of his night out, he got the most pics on his facebook profile surrounded by ladies cheesin', but hmmm.... there is notta one picture displayed of what should be the most important woman in his life....

Play fair, only because the single life is already hard enough and quite honestly, you made the conscious, sober decision to trade your single t-shirt for the nuptial necktie. So if you said "I do", then let me be the one to tell you, you really did. And for that reason... Well? You're single life was done! :) --SP

Special shout out to A.S. for coming up with this blog's title. I love it!

"You wanna put what in where?" And Other Things to Contemplate Giving Up

So once again, I was having girl conversation this past week with a couple of friends. As we were catching up on each other's lives, of course I had to ask about one of my friend's dating life... You know it's not to be nosy or anything but when you are in the 30+ single girl club, you always want to know if another one left you behind in the struggle...

And yep, she left me. Well almost.:) She told me that she was still seeing a guy after 3 years, was very happy, and possibly on the road to marriage. I was definitely excited for her. But she also said her happiness in this relationship wasn't without giving up some things...

I was intrigued. "Like what?", I asked. Because of course if you've made it to 30 without getting hitched, at some point you received several of the TD Jakes/Michelle McKinney Hammond, "Woman Thou Art Gonna Get Your Man: You're Well-Kept & Favored But Just be Patient a Little Longer" books. And then you wrote that "husband" list of qualities/non-negotiables you want in your mate that is dated, let's say 11/12/2002 right after you dealt with what you thought would be the last bit of foolishness of your single dating life... and that would be my story. LOL!

Well she goes on to tell me that although her man has a family business, he isn't college educated. I could definitely understand this being an issue since she is at Ph.D. status. But it got me thinking... I haven't read my "husband" list in a long time... Wonder what my qualities/non-negotiables were? And then I thought about what sorts of things my close friends and I have given up, contemplated giving up, or was asked to give up in order to trade in their single status. Some things considered may seem immaterial to some but my crew, others, and I have developed strong opinions about and at some point have had to take a closer look at what we were willing to do in some situations.

Well like, for example... Am I willing to give up the do-rag during night time play? STRONG opinions from the black girl crew that this is a downright NOT gonna happen. I mean I can understand why a man may not want their girl to come to the playground with her head wrapped and tied, but the fallback the next morning for trying to go do-ragless for the sake of sexy is quite substantial. And for real, isn't there a point when a man needs to know that fabulous-ness takes work and is mandated? (i.e. hair sylist specific instruction to maintain wrappness by all means necessary until next appointment) But I know a few who are willing to rock the ponytail or take an "L" the FIRST time, but pretty much it's a no go...Do-rags wins over sexy. Not saying it's right... but I do understand.

Can the pew boo at the church house be given up for the enthusiastic attender of Bedside Baptist? Once again, not so sure about this one especially living in the Bible belt. Church-going on Sundays is as necessary and customary as sweet tea with the Sunday meal... And you get the same ghastly reaction with immediate layin' of hands when you say you don't do either while your southern heritage is put into question (Yes, I was born and raised in NC...I am Lutheran...Yes we are Christians and it's a reputable denomination... No I don't have a church home).... But I have met some seemingly non-athieistic, know God pretty well, cool kinda guys who aren't of this southern perusasion. Why can't they get a chance? Hell, Charlotte on Sex and the City gave up Jesus to be with her man (I know, I know it's only a TV show). Good men could come in a lot of packages, sometimes of the "wayward" sorts. And Lawd knows those sittin' in the pew are often times doing the same do that the wayward do... the only difference is the wayward are just willing to admit it... and have a lot more fun doing it... At least one of my girls can contest to that. :)

Or what about what would it take to give up the tall dude for the not-so-tall dude? Believe it or not this is a HUGE issue in the A as this city is noted for the land of the 5 foot 6-ers. For my 5 foot self it's heaven because it's never an issue to find someone taller than me, even at heel height, although I have met a few of my height equivalents... And at those times I can totally understand why one of my girls, who is blessed with long legs, wants a man that she can look up to, stand on her tippy toes with, and feel enveloped by his prescence.. (although she doesn't have to worry about producing little midget children like I do if she's with her height equivalent). Lately she has relaxed her standards a bit as she proudly tells me last week, "I said yes to a date with a not-so-tall, chubby dude, but he still cute in the face. See, I'm making concessions.. but if I have to go short, I ain't given up on cuteness." (Uh, by the time this blog went to press, the not-so-tall chubby-cute-in-the-face dude got the boot... He wears FUBU... Damn.)

Or here is one.. Can "good girl status" be trumped by the "You wanna put what in where?" All I have to say about this one is that EVERY girl at one point or another has been asked to give a little more than they have been exposed to and EVERY girl has wondered if she takes it "there" will she have gone "too far" with this one or is it "too soon" to break this out and lose the good girl image. I think for everyone there is a "I've gone too far without being eternally hitched to this dude" point but you can never quite know where that is... until of course the day you're brave enough to ask your girl who responds, "They still make girls like you?"... Word?! Ok, who knew the girl I passed along my trade secrets is now my tutor? Well as I was once told, the secrets to a great teacher is to appear to have known all your life what you just learned this morning...I'm slippin'. LOL!

All I know is I have had many of conversations with my girls and it's amazing that most of them, even after crossing the 30 threshold, are holding strong to their do-rags, pew boos, and their good girl status. What I don't know is if we are holding on strong to some things that will only leave us alone in the end... As one male friend explained, "Yeah you can hold out for "that" man if you want to, but you'll be like that girl over there... Tall and alone hanging out with your virtue. Looks like happily ever after." :-!

As for me? Well I'm definitely contemplating giving up some things; not because I am settling, but becasuse I am willing to compromise... "You wanna put what in where? Well, as long as you do that with this?.... We're good!"---SP